Demonic Demotion

Ouija board - Illustration for comedy horror story Demonic Demotion

Michelle, Sara, and Ami were having another sleepover at Ami’s house. Around eleven, the adults all went to sleep. Ami dragged a wooden board from under her bed. “Have you guys ever played with one of these?”

“A Ouija board?” Sara said. “Aren’t those dangerous?”

“Yeah,” Ami said. “That’s what makes them fun.”

Three thousand miles below them, deep in the netherworld, the demon Fenriz was in his office, devouring a sinner. Balaam barged in, a clipboard in his hand. “Fenriz, we need to talk.”

“Talk? No like talk. Like action. See? I eat guy, guy grow back tomorrow, I eat again. Is fun torture.”

“I have some bad news,” Balaam said, tapping the clipboard. “The accountant I keep chained to my radiator says your numbers are way down this quarter. You’re torturing fewer people, and doing it less effectively.”

Fenriz shrugged. “So? No like numbers. Cannot eat numbers. I try eat forty-seven, no good.”

Balaam sighed. “You should care about numbers. These numbers mean you’re changing jobs. You’re being demoted.”


“You’re being switched from the Torture Department to the Messenger Department.”

“Messenger? No like talk!”

Balaam rolled his many eyes. “Too bad. You should have thought of that before you decided to eat the same guy for eight weeks in a row. Now get up to the surface world. There are some girls summoning spirits and you’ve been chosen to answer their questions.”

“What if don’t know answer?”

“You’re a demon. Lie!”

Fenriz trudged up the steps to the surface world. He traveled across town invisibly until he was at Ami’s house. The girls were sitting in a circle on the floor with the Ouija board in the center. It looked like he had gotten there just in time.

“Is anyone here?” Ami asked the air. “Spirits, speak to us!”

Fenriz grabbed the planchette and spelled out a message, letter by letter. He had formented revolutions and toppled kingdoms, but spelling was the hardest thing he ever had to do. “Am here. Am cute boy. Am crush on you.”

“Ooh!” Michelle laughed. “You guys are moving it.”

“We’re not!” Ami said. “I swear! Now be quiet or you’ll ruin it. Spirit, who do you have a crush on?”

Fenriz groaned. This was his job now? What a waste of his talents. “All three cute human things.”

“Can ghosts date people?” Sara asked. “That seems weird.”

“Haven’t you read the My Ghost Boyfriend books?” Ami said. “Madison Parker is torn between her two loves: a Victorian Era ghost and a cowboy revenant.”

“What’s a revenant?” Sara asked.

“It’s like a zombie, but cute.”

“Who cares about books?” Michelle said. “We’re talking to a real ghost! Ask the ghost another question.”

Sara put on her serious séance face. “Oh spirit, tell us, which one of us do you like the most?”

Fenriz grumbled. He had to find a way to make this more interesting or he would go insane. “Fat one.”

Sara and Michelle turned to look at Ami. Ami gasped. “Hey! I’m not fat!”

“Well, we’re skinny,” Sara said, “and you’re… not.”

Fenriz moved the planchette again. “Who cares fat? You all delicious!” The lights flickered as he took on his visible form, that of a gigantic wolf. “I eat! I eat body and soul!”

“Oh!” Sara gasped. “It’s a puppy!”

“I love dogs!” Michelle laughed.

“He looks like my Husky!” Ami said.

“No am dog,” Fenriz insisted. “Am wolf. Am eat soul. I scare!”

The voice of Balaam echoed in his ear. “You’re on messenger duty, not torture! Unless you want to be booted down to the Minor Inconveniences Department and spend eternity making diapers leak, you’ll leave these girls alone!”

“What do now?”

“Whatever they want.”

Fenriz looked down at the pink carpet and sighed. “What next, human things?”

“I know,” Michelle said, “a makeover!”

Sara pulled a large, plastic box from under her bed. It was filled with ribbons. “Let’s start with braiding his fur!”

Fenriz covered his snout with his front paws. “I eat accountant for this.”

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