Christmas is on the wrong date. Let’s move it!

Christmas is coming, and I’m not happy about it. Now, I’ve got nothing against decorating a tree or making anatomically correct gingerbread men. My problem is the date: December 25 is a horrible day to celebrate the holiday. Christmas is on the wrong date.

First, December 25 is too close to Thanksgiving. We just spent time with family! Why do we have to do it again so soon? I don’t know how much more of these people I can take. My grandpa is an alcoholic, so we have to keep him away from beer. My uncle is an arsonist. We have to keep him away from marshmallows. It’s exhausting.

I try to treat my family well. I really do. But sometimes I just forget. Every Christmas, when I ask about leftovers, Mom reminds me that I never returned her Tupperware after Thanksgiving. Fortunately, she still lets me take home a big handful of mashed potatoes and gravy.

Christmas is supposed to be about Jesus’ birth, but he wasn’t born in the winter. Remember the shepherds watching over their flocks in the fields? Judea in December is cold and rainy. The sheep wouldn’t have been grazing out in the open. They would have been sheltered away somewhere, like a barn or a Motel 6 or some sort of sheep Tupperware.

Jesus was born after Mary and Joseph came to Bethlehem to register for the census. The census probably would not have been held in the dead of winter, as that would have been the most difficult time for travel. Have you ever tried to put snow chains on a camel? But today, the Christmas season is the busiest travel time of the year, even though it has some of the worst traveling weather. If you’re wearing mittens, you can’t even flip off the other drivers.

Celebrating Christmas on December 25 is ill-timed and and historically inaccurate, like Grandpa’s bedtime stories about Werewolf Hitler. Clearly, Christmas is on the wrong date, so let’s move it! But where do we put it?

Attempts to estimate Jesus’ actual birthday have put it all over the calendar: April 17, March 25, the Days of Yore, etc. The best estimate is probably from the birth of John the Baptist, or as his fans call him, “JTB”. In Ye Olden Times, the temple priests worked in “courses”, or shifts. JTB was conceived during the course of Abijah, in mid-June. Adding nine months puts JTB’s birthday at around the end of March. We know Jesus was six months younger than John, so that puts Jesus’ birthday at the end of September.

September 25 would be a much better time to celebrate Christmas. It’s more historically accurate, the weather is better for traveling, and it gives us October as a “buffer month” between torturous visits with family. Best of all, moving Christmas to early Autumn would make thousands of Baby Boomer holiday songs obsolete. We would never have to hear “Let It Snow” or “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” ever again!

Please help spread the word about this calendrical injustice. Tell people the real Christmas is September 25! And if you see Santa in December, tell that fat sack of crap he’s three months late. Also, he never brought me that LEGO Space Monorail I asked for.

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