Parenting Tips

Parent and kids playing with blocks - Illustration for parenting tips humor article

Have you decided to be a parent? Desperate to have a baby, just so there will finally be someone else in the house who cries when he poops? These parenting tips will make sure your child isn’t a brat, or a friendless loner, or in diapers until he’s in high school.

  • If you can keep a houseplant alive, you can be a good parent. Just remember to water your baby once a week!
  • Ladies, have your boyfriend watch your cat so you can see if he’d make a good dad. Guys, remember, a good dad makes his kid poop in a box in the laundry room. (Don’t worry, guys – Cat watching is easier than baby sitting. It’s easier to change litter than a diaper, and a cat can’t tell its mom you’ve been drinking.)
  • Consider how many children you can handle. Having a child is like losing a finger: you can deal with one or two, but six or more could ruin your life.
  • Choosing the right name is important. I named my son “Sue” so he would grow up tough. I named my daughter “Optimus Prime” so she would grow up a giant robot.
  • If you want your son to be macho, give him a name with “the” in it, like The Hulk, Ivan The Terrible, or Winnie The Pooh.
  • Putting the kids to bed? Rock your baby to sleep with the power ballads of Bon Jovi.
  • Invest in a quality breast pump, so you spend less time waiting for them to inflate.
  • No matter how much you rub your baby, you will never meet the Diaper Genie.
  • Cartoons are very educational. Everything I know about opera I learned from Bugs Bunny. (This sentence still works if you replace “Bugs Bunny” with “Road Runner” and “Opera” with “rocket-powered roller skates”.)
  • A baby is like an Etch-a-Sketch: If you shake it, you’ll erase everything and have to start over.
  • Most importantly, don’t let your kid grow up to be a brat, like my nephew. Yesterday, he called me a “booger eater.” He said he could keep a secret!

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