Dear Customer,
Welcome to your free trial of Mind Shield, the premiere infohazard protection service! Your new neuro software has already been activated. During your limited trial, you will be shielded from all manner of mental threats, infectious information, and thought invasions.
NOTE: You have selected the highest level of protection, Fortress Level. Our Instant Perception Editing process may affect the readability of this email, and may exhaust your free trial service more quickly.
WARNING: Side effects of Instant Perception Editing may include a disconcerting feeling of being in trapped in a waking dream, and the persistent fear that a horrible, new reality could suddenly be unveiled at any moment. This is normal. Rest assured that this is genuine reality. Relax and enjoy life.
Instant Security:
As soon as you were rendered unconscious for software updates, we began our work. Our system has detected and neutralized a parasitic thought-form that had infested your home. Agents have already removed [1/10 Cognitive Hazards Blocked] and her personal belongings. She will no longer be a drain on your mental processes.
Your home and workplace have been thoroughly scrubbed of any evidence of her existence. Your friends and family have been reminded to avoid mentioning her. To complete the removal process and ensure your mind remains your own, delete all data from your phone, computer, and social media. Accidentally viewing any photos or videos of her could result in remembering [2/10 Cognitive Hazards Blocked] and a repeat infestation.
A new loved one will be assigned to you shortly. Once your memories are re-edited, it will feel like she has always been there. Do not question it. Your loved ones are real. They are genuine human beings.
NOTE: After multiple memory edits, minor inconsistencies and continuity errors may arise. This is normal. If you begin to feel doubts about the nature of reality, your brain chip will automatically apply a small electric shock until you fully embrace your new life.
WARNING: Relax and enjoy life. This is genuine reality.
Software Updates:
Always download the latest brain chip updates for complete protection from sentient facts, addictive memories, basilisks, mental hitchhikers, shadow whispers, and [3/10 Cognitive Hazards Blocked]. Do not forget to keep your software updated. Customers who do not install urgent emergency updates immediately are in serious danger. Remain connected to Wi-Fi at all times.
NOTE: During software updates, remain calm. This is your actual body. Your body is real. You are your body’s only occupant.
New Features:
Due to popular request, Mind Shield has developed an optional software patch to increase your sense of normality. Are you troubled by discrepancies in the structure of your home? Is a window not showing the correct view? Do the stairs lead to a place you no longer recognize? Is there a new door leading to an unlit hallway that could not possibly exist? Download the patch and be instantly certain that everything is fine.
Our latest software update automatically erases dark wanderers. Sleep securely at night knowing that prophetic dreams of approaching [4/10 Cognitive Hazards Blocked] will be deleted. Do not go searching for the endless tower made of bleached bones. The whispers in the back of your mind are lying to you.
Your plan’s Fortress Level protection prevents awareness of [5/10 Cognitive Hazards Blocked]. If they enter your home, they will be instantly erased from your visual field. No more suffering bleeding eyes, painful [6/10 Cognitive Hazards Blocked], [7/10 Cognitive Hazards Blocked], or being observed by [8/10 Cognitive Hazards Blocked]. You will never even know they’re watching.
WARNING: Do not examine your home’s structural discrepancies or search for undetected threats. Ignorance keeps you safe. Relax and enjoy life.
Maintaining Your Protection:
Our Threat Forecast Team has detected several mental portals open in your immediate area. Be sure to subscribe before your trial runs out to avoid exposure to [9/10 Cognitive Hazards Blocked]. Once in your mind, he cannot be removed.
WARNING: Do not be aware he exists. It is better not to know. Do not say the name or cry out in the dark. Relax and enjoy life.
A Parting Note:
Please be aware that this is the first and last communication you will receive from us. Subscribers to Mind Shield will no longer be aware of why they signed up for Mind Shield. This is for your own safety. Knowledge of cognitive hazards is a cognitive hazard in itself.
This email and your memory of it will be deleted in three seconds. To protect your eyes, avoid blinking during this process.
Sincerely,
[10/10 Cognitive Hazards Blocked]
Relax And Enjoy Life, thanks to Mind Shield!™
