As a writer, I constantly get new story ideas. Some of them turn out great, but others aren’t even worth starting. These are from the second group. Here are some books I’ll probably never write.
- A horror novel where the only witness to see the monster just calls it “a horror beyond human comprehension!” But investigators quickly learn that the witness just isn’t good at comprehending things, as he fails to comprehend pens, coffee cups, doorknobs, etc.
- A parenting guide for people who want to raise giant monsters called “Nature vs. Nurture vs. Kong.”
- A guide to healthy eating for ghosts. You could call it “Boolean Logic”.
- A gothic horror novel about a hedonistic man who makes a deal with the devil, asking to stay young forever while the beverage in his attic ages instead. Call it “The Pitcher of Earl Grey.”
- A science fiction romance novel called “My Lab Coat Fell Off And Now I Have To Do Science Nude.”
- The man in the yellow hat gets caught smuggling counterfeit monkeys. Call it “Spurious George.”
- A home defense guide that’s over twelve hundred pages long but just says “throw this at the burglar.”
- A realistic retelling of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory called “Charlie and the Hog Fat Rendering Plant.”
- A horror novel called “The Bathroom That Complained A Lot.” A man discovers his bathroom is haunted by a dead handyman. Whenever he tries to take a shower, the ghost whispers about what a shoddy job he did grouting the tiles.
- A romance novel about a pirate and a shoemaker who fall in love. Call it “Sole Mateys.”
- In an anticlimactic fantasy novel, disappointed adventurers discover that the dragon sleeps on a hoard of the friends he made along the way.
- A self-help book called “Learning to Let Go and Other Ways to Fail at Rock Climbing.”
- A romance novel about a web designer searching for love. “His eyes were a deep #1C85E1 that I could get lost in for hours. His lips were a soft #D35FB8. But I needed a classy guy, and he didn’t even have pseudo-class. I knew he only wanted my <body>.”
- A “Choose Your Own Adventure” type book that is just a normal guy going through his week, except every few pages he sees a dog and you get to choose if you want to pet the dog or not.
- A depressed vampire makes his therapist immortal so he never has to find a new one. Call it “Forever Jung.”
These ideas didn’t cut it, but I think I found the perfect inspiration for my next book. Inspired by composer John Cage’s silent piece 4’33”, I’ve created a new book called “Four Hours and Thirty-Three Minutes.” It’s a novel without words or pages or even a cover. The best part is, everyone on earth already has a copy in their home right now. Enjoy!