Surveys show half of Americans drink a soda every day. It’s the top half, usually around the mouth area. Soda is so popular that some restaurants offer bottomless fountain drinks, which sounds messy to me.
Unfortunately, some sodas just aren’t as delicious as others. (Or so they tell me. Personally, everything I drink just tastes like Sprite. My doctor called it lemon-lime disease.) However, stay away from these, the worst soda flavors ever:
- Pepper Jack & Coke – Out of all the cheese-flavored colas out there, this is the worst. It’s like drinking carbonated fondue. It even has toast points in it.
- Milk Mustache – For those who love the great taste of dairy and hair. Sane people, stay away.
- Berry Bleach – The only soda to double as an all-purpose cleaner. …Actually, it might just be a cleaning product. Soda doesn’t usually come with a trigger sprayer.
- Spite – Don’t let your emotions drive you to drink, especially not this one. If you’re going to drink an emotion-based soda, try Nostalgia. Man, remember Nostalgia? That stuff was so great.
- Suds Soda – Soda fans love bubbles, but the soap-flavored taste won’t find many fans. On the plus side, you don’t have to wash your glass afterwards.
- Pre-Med Student Pepper – Nobody wants to drink a soda that tastes like medicine, even if it’s made by a bright student with dreams of one day becoming a proctologist.
- 7Uppers – Tastes great, but this energy drink is illegal in all fifty states.
- IBS Root Beer – Speaking of medicinal sodas, this drink for sufferers of Irritable Bowel Syndrome tastes okay, if you can stop thinking about the word “bowel”. I know I can’t. I have to eat my cereal on a plate.
- A&WWII Cream Soda – In England, they say this war-themed soda is “in bad taste and tastes bad.” However, in Germany they say, “Hör auf mich über Erfrischungsgetränken zu fragen, das ist ein Bordell.”
- Munster Energy Sharp Cheddar – Slightly better than Pepper Jack & Coke, in the way that being strangled is slightly better than being decapitated.
- Steam – Tastes bland, but it’ll take the wrinkles out of your trousers. The thing that really bothers me, though, is this: It’s been in the refrigerator for days. How is it still hot? That’s just not right.
- Mountain Flu – A very unpopular drink, despite being highly contagious.
- Coca-Colon – They were originally going to call this drink “Lemony Enema”, but it was too hard to pronounce.
- Bubbles & Mayonnaise – Ironically, the Mayo part isn’t that bad. It’s Bubbles you have to worry about. She gave me a can and stole my heart. I still miss you, Bubbles. Please come back.
- Ginger Ale-imony – Ginger caught her husband having sex on a beach with Vodka and Orange Juice, and now he’s really screwed.
- Ms. Pib – Pointless pandering instead of being creative. It tastes just like regular Pib, but the bottler put a hair bow and lipstick on the can. Actually, I’m not sure where the lipstick came from, or why my can was half empty.
- Just Bees! – Despite the name and the horrifying stinger on the cap, this is not actually a soda bottle full of bees. They’re technically hornets.
- Head Rush, the Homeopathic Energy Drink – Not very flavorful. This soda features the faintest whisper of cola, diluted in gallons of carbonated gamer bathwater.
- Drug Test Lemonade – The taste test is negative. Very negative. The inventor of this god awful soda would later be sentenced to life in prison, but for unrelated reasons. (Hamster smuggling.)
Finally, consider joining my new social club for people who enjoy drinking soda and discussing Enlightenment philosophers. We’re called “Pop and Locke”.