Feeling down? Do you have seasonal depression all year round? Cheer up with this collection of therapy jokes.
My therapist said I should share my feelings with people, but when I said I needed a hug, nobody on the bus cared.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Some therapists are Freudians, or Jungians, or Lacanians. My therapist is a Gilligan. He says he can cure my depression by bonking me on the noggin with a coconut.
When I have a task I really need to do but I’m anxious about it, like checking my bank balance, I’ll make myself start worrying about something else, and then open the bank app real quick before my anxiety notices what’s happening.
I call it “The Hey Look Over There Technique.”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My therapist has been helping me stop ruminating on the past. So I haven’t been paying my student loans. Why worry about that? That’s old stuff.
Therapist: What you really need is self reflection.
Dracula: Self what?
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
Therapist: What are you hoping to get out of therapy?
Client: I’m just looking for Joey DeVito.
Therapist: Who?
Client: You know, a reason for living! Joey DeVito!
Therapist: Are… are you trying to say “joie de vivre”?
Client: I know how to say it. I took six years of Frawnch.
My therapist said money can’t buy happiness, but then she told me to buy antidepressants.
Therapist: You spent all that time worrying about getting fired, but it turned out your boss wasn’t even mad.
Client: See? Worrying works!
I should just ignore the voices in my head because they aren’t real. But didn’t the voices say the same thing about him?
If I were a therapist, I’d prescribe feather boas for depression. Ever see a sad person wearing a fabulous feather boa? I don’t think so!
Me: I asked my therapist if he thought I had repressed memories.
Her: What did he say?
Me: What did who say?
I spent three years in therapy trying to cure my impostor syndrome, until my therapist admitted he was just the guy who cleans the office.
If looking at your spice rack makes you sad, you may have seasonal depression.
Anxiety tip: If you’re going to freak out, make sure to freak back in when you’re done.
My therapist says “upsetty spaghetti” isn’t a real medical condition, but she did give me a prescription for garlic bread.
“Malaise” should be a sandwich spread for depressed people.
WHY IS THIS &@#! ICE CREAM SO &**!@ COLD?! …Sorry, my therapist says I need to work on my rocky road rage.
If you feel sad after you hear “Jolene,” you may have post-Parton depression.
My therapist keeps saying I have issues with deflecting. It’s like he doesn’t even care that Cherry Coke isn’t as good as it used to be.
I finally realized I have an eating disorder after I broke up with my girlfriend just so I could cheer myself up with ice cream.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
My therapist said I’m a chronic procrastinator with a messiah complex, but I’m not worried. I’ll save the world . . . eventually.
Psychologists have identified three new stages of grief. Apparently after bargaining, depression, and acceptance, there’s a water level, an escort mission, and the final boss battle. Remember to collect all the emeralds on the anger level or you’ll never defeat Lord Sorrow.
The world’s so depressing now, even aromas need therapy.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
A new study shows that high levels of anxiety increase your risk for heart attack and stroke. So stop worrying or you’ll die.
Antidepressants should be chewable, and fruit flavored, and come in Pez dispensers. I think I would be less depressed if my meds came out of Spider-Man’s neck.
A man goes to his therapist and says, “The pills haven’t improved my mood, and for some reason, my mom’s sister is sad now, too.”
His therapist says, “Oops, I think I accidentally gave you auntie depressants.”
My therapist says I have a condition that causes indecisiveness, and he’s naming it after me. I’m not sure how to feel about that.
My therapist gave me a book on how to stop ruminating. It’s really fascinating. I can’t stop thinking about it.
My therapist thinks I have an eating disorder. She kept saying something about an edible complex.
My therapist says I have “anticipatory anxiety.” I wonder what he’ll diagnose me with next??
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
An artist tells his therapist, “I wanted some cardboard cutouts to help me paint designs quicker, but I made too many. I have thousands, more than I could ever possibly use!” The therapist says, “Ah, you are having an extra stencil crisis.”
Antidepressants should be chewable, and fruit flavored, and come in Pez dispensers. I think I would be less depressed if my meds came out of Spider-Man’s neck.
Money’s pretty tight right now, so I had to cancel my subscription to Depression Pro and go back to the “free with ads” version. Now I have to watch a commercial every time I cry in the shower.
I hope you enjoyed my therapy jokes collection! Enjoy more humor here, or try some of my science fiction stories.