I wrote this space adventure story as a birthday present for my dog Roscoe. With his permission, I’ve decided to share it with you all. It’s about my real pets, and their slightly less real mission to protect humanity from alien deliverymen and other galactic threats. I hope you enjoy it as much as he did.
Part One – Meet Our Heroes
One AM. The humans had finally gone to bed. Roscoe and Ruby headed out the doggy door into the back yard. Roscoe was a mixed breed but always insisted he was pure Doberman, even though he bayed like a hound. He was chocolate brown with a white chest and wore a green collar. Ruby was a gray and white domestic short-haired cat. Her red collar had a silver bell that jingled when she walked. She insisted it was jewelry, and not something the humans put on her to keep her from stalking birds.
Roscoe headed for the catalpa tree and pulled down on the special limb. A hidden door at the base of the tree slid open, revealing a short staircase. They headed down to the tunnel below.
“So,” Ruby said, “how are things going with you and Daisy?”
Roscoe shook his head. “We had to break up. She lies all the time. She’s a Labrador deceiver.”
Ruby rolled her eyes. “You think you’re so funny.”
He grinned. “Oh, don’t be such a sourpuss.”
The tunnel ended in a heavy, steel door like a bank vault. The door was engraved with a rocket in flight around the Earth and the initials “SSA.” The Sirius Space Agency was responsible for protecting the world from alien threats. Whether it was snakes from Saturn or mice from Mercury, SSA’s job was to keep Earth safe and humanity in the dark. The agency’s space adventures were kept secret from humans to keep them from worrying about alien invasions. Happy humans were more generous with treats and belly rubs.
Roscoe put his yellow eye up to the optical scanner. After a brief buzz, an electronic voice said, “Welcome, Roscoe Space Dog”. Inside was a room lined with computers and video screens. This was the security center, where they monitored the neighborhood for threats and suspicious characters. A side door led to the dojo where they practiced martial arts. Another door led to a fully equipped hangar for their spacecraft. Still another door led to the sunbeam room, where they took nap-naps.
The computer beeped. Ruby rushed across the room to answer the call. An elderly, gray-furred mutt appeared on the screen. Ruby and Roscoe saluted.
“Commander Laika,” Roscoe said. “You’re looking well, ma’am.”
“Thank you, Roscoe,” Laika said, “but this is not a social call. We have a mission for you. We need you to find the Squeaky of Doom.”
Ruby rubbed the back of her neck. “I don’t like the sound of that!”
Laika nodded. “No one does. That’s the point. The Squeaky of Doom is an ancient weapon created by the canine ancestors. It is a squeaky toy with a squeaker powerful enough to destroy entire armies.”
“You mean armies of cats,” Ruby said, her green eyes narrowing. The agency was run and staffed mostly by dogs, but they had been forced to hire other species due to a series of discrimination lawsuits in kangaroo court. She was one of the first cats to ever work for SSA.
Laika flinched. “That was long ago, before the Treaty of Birman. When the canine commanders signed the disarmament treaty, they hid their most powerful weapon out in space, knowing they would need it again someday. That ‘someday’ has arrived. The Deliverymen from Mars are expanding their territory. We need the Squeaky of Doom to keep Earth safe from this grave threat.”
“Do you have any idea where it’s hidden?” Roscoe asked.
“Those records were destroyed the Great Paper Training Accident of 1923. However, I believe I know where you might find some clues. I’m sending you a map.” The sounds of tapping at a keyboard. “Memorize it, then destroy it. We can’t risk the Deliverymen getting their hands on it.”
Roscoe nodded. “Yes, ma’am. We will protect this information at all costs.”
Laika ended the transmission.
“How did she end up in charge of the agency?” Ruby asked.
“She provides the funding. She got rich selling wrinkle cream to Shar Peis.”
A document slid out of the security center’s printer. Roscoe trotted over and picked it up. It was a map to a location on Luna. He looked it over then chewed it to pieces.
They headed to the hangar where they kept their spacecraft, the Canine Comet. It was a green, missile-shaped craft with twin rocket engines at the rear. It was the first dog-designed spacecraft that could break the light speed barrier. It had been built by the famous Dachshund rocket scientist Wiener von Braun. They pulled on their silver spacesuits, climbed inside the ship, and strapped in. Ruby slapped a button on the control panel. Overhead, the hidden hangar doors slid back, revealing the starry night sky.
Roscoe began the pre-launch check. “Fuel?”
Ruby glanced at the gauge. “Kibble tank is full!”
“Weapons system?”
All green lights. “Armed and ready!”
“Chew toys?”
She pulled open the toy bin. “Still slobbery from the last trip! …Yuck.”
“And away we go!”
The Canine Comet blasted into the air, sailing through the atmosphere. He rolled down the window and stuck his head outside, his tongue flapping in the solar wind. In moments, they were in the blackness of space. His normally floppy ears floated.
“I’m picking up something on the radar screen,” she said. “We’re being followed.”
“Could be the Deliverymen. I’ll try to outrun them,” he said. He stomped on the gas pedal, pushing them back into their seats.
A spaceship appeared in the rear view mirror. It was a red disk edged with white lights and round windows. It had a rotating turret on top with two large tennis ball guns. It had a black cat skull with exed-out eyes painted on the side.
“That’s Fender’s ship!” he gasped.
“Who’s Fender?”
“He used to work for SSA, but he got thrown out for stealing secrets, taking bribes, and piddling on the rug.”
The control panel lit up with an incoming message. Ruby answered the call. A black and brown Rottweiler appeared on the screen. Unlike Roscoe and Ruby, he had no collar.
“Hey, you leashed losers!” Fender said, waving. “Back off before I blast your ship to pieces! That squeaky is mine!”
Ruby scowled. “We’re trying to protect the world from alien invaders!”
“Not my problem! I’m going to find the Squeaky of Doom first and sell it to the highest bidder! If SSA doesn’t pay up, I’ll sell it to the Martians. Now go back to Earth before I shoot you down!”
She switched off the transmission. “Don’t let him get any closer. We don’t want to be in range of those tennis balls.”
He panted nervously. “I can’t shake him! He’s catching up!”
She extended her claws. “We have to use the shock collar.”
“Are you sure? We only have one!”
“We can’t risk him getting his paws on the squeaky.” She turned to the weapons screen. She positioned the red crosshairs over the Rottweiler’s ship and fired.
A black ball shot out the back of the Canine Comet. It unrolled, transforming into a huge ring. The ring wrapped around Fender’s ship and tightened. The ring sparked, firing bolts of electricity into the ship. The ship skidded to a halt.
“Great shot!” Roscoe barked, grinning. “It’ll be quite a while before he’s up and running again!”
Ruby furrowed her brow. “How do you think he knows about the squeaky?”
“SSA must have a mole.”
She shook her fist. “Never trust a rodent!”
Part Two – Howling At The Moon
A few thousand miles later, they entered orbit around Luna.
“Where are we landing?” Ruby asked.
“Pavlov Crater. That’ll hide the ship while we head for the Acorn Museum.”
She scowled. “Moon squirrels. I hate moon squirrels.”
He brought the ship in for a landing. The crater was on the far side of the moon, which was currently dark. They put on their space helmets and weapons belts and stepped outside. They bounded up the side of the crater and headed for a huge, wooden structure in the distance.
“Can you believe squirrels built a hundred-foot acorn?” he said. “That’s– “
“If you say ‘that’s nuts,’ you’re walking home.”
He harrumphed. “I thought it was funny.”
The Acorn Museum was made from oak beams. The windows were hemispheres of glass, like gigantic fishbowls. Two night watch squirrels in blue coveralls stood guard at the entrance, dwarfed by the enormous double doors. Their heads were bare. Being moon natives, they had no need for space helmets.
Roscoe and Ruby ducked behind a row of boulders. “We could take two of them,” she said, “but there are bound to be more inside.”
He nodded. “Right. Lunar squirrels travel in twelve-packs, like furry soda cans. Let’s sneak around back. Maybe there’s another entrance.”
As they walked around the museum, she held the bell on her collar so it wouldn’t jingle. The back wall was illuminated by a pair of spotlights. The wall was carved with an elaborate mural dedicated to the squirrel deity the Great Acorn. It illustrated the Acornism creation story: the gigantic acorn descending from the clouds, the acorn creating the first squirrels, the squirrels being run over by a lunar rover, the acorn creating faster squirrels, the faster squirrels chewing through electrical wiring, the acorn sighing and creating smarter squirrels, and so on.
“Look at the lower left corner of the mural,” she said, pointing. “That’s not an acorn – that’s a walnut!” She stepped over to the mural and pressed on the carving. The wall slid open, revealing a dark hallway. “Come on!” She slipped inside.
Roscoe grinned. “I hope security doesn’t cashew!” There was just enough light for him to see her roll her eyes.
They crept into the darkness. Roscoe pressed a button on his collar. It lit up with a green glow. The hall smelled musty, like it hadn’t been used years. He wondered if the security squirrels even knew it was there. The passage came to an abrupt end. Ruby pawed at the wall until she found another trigger. Once more, the wall slid open.
They stepped out into the dimly lit main gallery. Two rows of pedestals held sculptures of nuts and famous rodents. Landscapes and other nature scenes covered the walls. A section at the rear of the gallery was dedicated to religious art created by chipmonks.
The next room was dedicated to squirrel history. There were exhibits on aviation and famous flying squirrels. There were also exhibits on squirrel record-breakers: the bushiest tail, the biggest acorn ever found, the most ferocious dog ever taunted.
A set of stairs led down to an arched stone tunnel. The tunnel ended at a large room with rows of nooks carved in the walls. “This must be where the curator stores objects that aren’t currently on exhibit,” Roscoe said. He read off the labels. “Ancient acorns, historic hazelnuts, sacred scrolls, antique almonds…”
“Wait,” Ruby said, “go back one.”
“Sacred scrolls!” He pulled a scroll from the nook and unrolled it. It was black with blue, white, red, and yellow dots. “It’s an ancient star map!” he barked. “This will lead us to the squeaky!”
She furrowed her brow. “Squirrels made this? But it’s huge!”
“That’s because it wasn’t made by squirrels. That’s dog writing. See the nose prints? The dog ancestors made this and hid it on Luna. The lunar squirrels must have found it while they were burying nuts.” He rolled up the scroll and tucked it in his spacesuit.
They crept back up the stairs. A night watch squirrel was standing by the open secret door, peering inside.
“This calls for stealth,” Ruby whispered. “If we’re quiet, we can slip right – hey, where did you go?”
Roscoe ran for the squirrel, barking and howling. The squirrel produced a walkie-talkie and chittered for help. The gallery was suddenly filled with bright light. The doors banged open and dozens of squirrels poured inside.
“Oh, now you’ve done it,” she grumbled. She tossed down a smoke bomb and vanished.
Roscoe looked down at the squirrels and laughed. “Time for zoomies!” He ran across the room, fast as lightning, knocking squirrels into the air. He pulled out his leash gun and fired. A line of green rope shot out, tying up a group of raging rodents.
A pair of ninja squirrels dropped from the ceiling. They swung their nutchucks, chattering wildly. A cloud of smoke appeared. Two gray paws reached out and dragged the squirrels inside. The squirrels squeaked in terror.
Two squirrels in padded bomb squad suits rushed into the room. One was holding a barbecue lighter and the other was dragging a long string of firecrackers.
Roscoe yelped. “Ruby, run for it!” He hightailed it for the secret passage, zooming down the hall as the fireworks banged behind him. As he emerged from the museum, Ruby appeared at his side. “Where did you come from?”
“The shadows. It’s a cat thing.”
A tidal wave of squirrels spilled out of the passage. They flung more firecrackers after the intruders, chattering angrily. Some of them fired nut pistols, but their pecan projectiles were more of an annoyance than a threat.
“Why does this museum have so many security guards?” Roscoe yelped. “The moon is such a safe neighborhood!”
Roscoe and Ruby ran back to Pavlov Crater and jumped into the Canine Comet. “No time for a pre-flight check!” he said, pounding the ignition button. The ship took off, the rockets blasting squirrels away from the crater.
Once they were in lunar orbit, Roscoe finally relaxed. “Let’s take another look at the star map.” He unrolled it and hung it on the wall with some bone-shaped magnets.
Ruby examined the map, her whiskers twitching. “Something’s off here… Look at the constellations. There’s Andromeda, but Pegasus is missing. There’s Beta Cancri, but the rest of the stars in Cancer aren’t there.”
He nodded. “I see what you mean. This star map is incomplete.”
She punched the wall. “How are we supposed to find the squeaky with half a map?”
“I know who we should talk to. Let’s head for Albert II.”
Part Three – Dog Stars
Albert II was one of the main belt asteroids, out near Ceres. It was only a quarter mile across, but it was dense enough to have a third of Earth’s gravitational pull. It was shaped roughly like a peanut. In the center stood an Art Deco observatory. A silver telescope protruded from the domed roof.
He brought the ship in for a landing. When they walked up to the building, the outer airlock door opened for them automatically. The airlock cycled and the inner door opened. As they took off their helmets, they were greeted by two elderly, female mutts. One was almost entirely white, while the other was white with chocolate brown patches. They were both drinking from white mugs.
“Hello, Roscoe!” the white one said. “It’s been a while!”
“You must be Ruby,” the patchy one said. “We’ve heard you’re causing quite the stir at SSA. It’s about time they hired other species.” She paused to take a sip from her mug. “Oh, goodness, where are my manners? I am Strelka, and this is my partner Belka.” Ruby and the two dogs shook paws.
Roscoe smiled. “Why don’t you show them the map, Ruby? They’re both retired SSA agents, so we can speak freely about our mission. They’ve been on plenty of space adventures of their own.”
Ruby unrolled the star map and pointed out the missing stars. “We were sure this star map would lead us to an ancient canine artifact called the Squeaky of Doom, but it’s incomplete. Roscoe said you might be able to help us.”
Belka nodded. “Strelka and I are astronomers. When we left the agency, we came to Albert II to get a better view of the stars away from all the light pollution. And the low gravity makes it easier for a couple of old gals to get around.” She took a sip from her mug and examined the map with a magnifying glass.
“What are you drinking?” Roscoe asked.
“Tea with extra cream,” Belka said, grinning. “We’re astronomers, so we always drink our tea the milky way.”
Ruby shook her head and sighed. “I can see why you guys are friends.”
Strelka rubbed her chin. “I’m afraid we can’t help you fill in the missing stars. There’s just not enough data here to complete the map.”
“But we know a place where you might be able to find more information,” Belka said. “The old Ember Mansion on Ganymede.”
Roscoe’s mouth dropped open. “Ember? As in Ember the Space Dog? He’s my hero! He’s the dog that inspired me to join SSA!”
Belka nodded. “Ember inspired a lot of pups. He was one of SSA’s top agents, entrusted with top secret information. He may have known the squeaky’s location. After he left the agency, he made quite the name for himself exploring the outer reaches of the solar system. Unfortunately, he couldn’t handle the pressures of fame, so he retired to Ganymede to be alone. He didn’t have a family, dogs or humans, so when he died, his mansion was abandoned.”
Strelka scowled. “It’s not abandoned anymore. It’s been taken over by a secret society of cats called the Jubatus. They are deeply suspicious of outsiders, especially dogs. They would rather scratch your eyes out than help SSA. But if you can get into the mansion somehow, you may be able to find what you need there.”
Roscoe rolled up the star map. “Thank you for your help. We should let you get back to your work.”
The two dogs gave Roscoe a hug.
“Good luck!” said Belka.
Strelka turned to Ruby. “It was nice meeting you. Take care of our boy.”
Roscoe and Ruby put on their helmets and returned to the Canine Comet and headed for Jupiter.
Part Four – The Cat Cult
Three objects appeared on the radar screen. Fender was back. And he had fired his tennis ball guns.
“We’ve got incoming!” Ruby gasped.
“Hold on tight!” Roscoe fired the side thrusters. The ship, and their stomachs, lurched sideways. The balls flew by, both shots missing.
“Should we return fire?” Ruby asked.
He shook his head. “I don’t want to get into a dogfight if we don’t have to. I have an idea… Go downstairs to the emergency supplies. Grab our spare spacesuits and put them in the airlock.”
She followed his instructions. He took a squeaky steak from the toy bin and glued it to the gloves of his spare suit. “Let’s hope he doesn’t know what the Squeaky of Doom looks like!”
He went back to the pilot’s chair and hit the brakes, bringing the ship to a stop near Metis, Jupiter’s closest moon. He opened the outer airlock door, ejecting the suits into space.
Fender’s ship caught up and came to a stop a few hundred feet away. The airlock opened and he rocketed out. He was wearing a black spacesuit with a built-in jet pack and carrying a thunder pistol.
Roscoe pounded the gas, rocketing away from the Rottweiler. The blast threw Fender into a spin, tumbling away from his ship. Roscoe howled with excitement. “He fell for it! Just try catching up to us now!”
A few hundred thousand miles passed. The radar screen was clear. Roscoe let out a sigh of relief. They had lost Fender. At least for now.
Jupiter had nearly eighty moons, but only three were habitable. After the signing of the interspecies peace treaty, canine and feline scientists had worked together to terraform Ganymede, Europa, and Io.
Ganymede was lush and green, the entire surface a single vast forest. They landed at the Anubis Crater. They took off their helmets and climbed out of the ship. It was late at night. The air was heavy with the sound of insects, frogs, and other nocturnal creatures imported during the terraforming.
A dirt road led to a large clearing. The Ember Mansion stood at the center. It was a three-story brick building with a stone path leading from the road up to the front door. There didn’t appear to be any security cameras or guards.
“Wait here while I take a closer look,” Ruby said.
“Why don’t I just send over my drone?”
“Because your drone is as loud as a lawnmower while I am as silent as the night!” She jabbed a paw at his snoot to emphasize her point, the bell on her collar jingling. She sighed. “Just wait here.” Holding her bell, she slipped into the clearing and crept up to the mansion. She circled the building, peeking in windows and sniffing the grounds. A moment later, she appeared at his side.
Roscoe yelped. “It’s so creepy when you do that!”
She shrugged. “Sorry. So, I discovered two things… The Jubatus are gathered in a great hall near the back of the building. They are all wearing black cloaks and ceremonial daggers, standing in a circle around some gold statue. I think we’ve got a cult on our paws. Also, I saw a stained glass window on the third floor with illustrations of stars. I think it may be the other half of our map!”
His tail wagged excitedly. “If we could get up there and put our half against the glass, we would be able to see the complete map!”
“Yes, but the window doesn’t look like it opens. The completed map would only be visible from inside the mansion. That means I have to sneak inside. I’ll need one of their robes.”
They moved along the edge of the clearing and hid behind a large bush next to the road. A few minutes later, an orange tabby in a cloak approached. They leaped out from their hiding place, fists swinging.
“A dog!” the cat screamed. He turned tail to run. Ruby tried to grab him, but he slipped out of her grasp, leaving his cloak and belt behind. He ran up the road away from the house, naked.
Roscoe laughed. “Wow, what a scare –”
“If you say ‘scaredy cat’, I’ll use your helmet as a litter box.”
Ruby put on the cloak and belt. Once she pulled up the hood, her face was shrouded in darkness. “As long as no one looks too closely, I should be able to pass as a cult member. Hopefully orangey doesn’t come back and blow my cover.” She stepped into the clearing and headed up the path to the house.
Roscoe crept up to the house and found the stained glass window. He flipped a switch on his leash gun and fired at the roof. A line of green rope shot out, the end wrapping around the chimney. He reeled in the rope, the gun pulling him up the side of the building.
Ruby opened the front door. The two-story entryway had a staircase on both sides and a path down the center leading to double doors. The great hall was on the other side of the doors. She could hear the Jubatus chanting in what sounded like Ancient Egyptian.
She slipped up the stairs. At the landing was a life-size portrait of a large dog, a black and orange Leonberger in an SSA spacesuit, helmet under his paw. “This must be the famous Ember,” she thought. “I wonder what he would think if he could see all these cats in his home? Probably ‘yum, tasty’. He looks big enough to swallow me in a single bite!” She shuddered at the thought.
She headed left, down the hall past a dozen doors and more portraits of the mansion’s late owner. She came to another set of stairs and climbed up to the third floor, where she found the stained glass window. It was a field of multi-colored dots, just like the star map. She could see Roscoe hanging on the other side. She reached in her pocket for her phone and took a photo then knocked on the glass.
Roscoe hooked his leash gun to his belt. He unrolled the star map and held it against the window. They were exactly the same dimensions. He flipped on his collar light.
Inside the house, Ruby saw the window go black and then suddenly light up. She took several photos of the combined maps.
“Why aren’t you at the meeting?”
She turned at the sound.
Two huge Maine Coons were standing at the end of the hallway. “Wait a minute,” the bigger one said, extending her claws, “you don’t belong here.”
“Get the intruder!” the smaller yet still quite large one said. The cats drew their daggers and moved towards her.
Ruby’s eyes widened. “Get in here!”
The window exploded as Roscoe sailed into the room. He dashed down the hall, howling wildly. Unlike the tabby, these cats didn’t run. They swung their daggers, but he was just too fast. He ducked to the side, the blades missing by inches. He swung his tail, knocking them off their paws. He grabbed their daggers and threw them out of reach.
A dozen hooded cats appeared at each end of the hall, daggers at the ready. Roscoe fired his leash gun, wrapping three of them in a tight bundle. The others rushed forward, swinging their knives. Ruby tossed down a smoke bomb and vanished.
Standing in the smoke, Roscoe struck out blindly, his paws connecting with furry chins. The cats yowled in pain. He fired his leash gun again, but couldn’t tell if he’d hit anything.
Ruby reached out of the smoke and grabbed a Siamese, tossing him to the ground with a shoulder throw. She disarmed a couple of Munchkins, hurling their daggers out the broken window. She knocked them unconscious with some rapid karate kicks.
The smoke began to clear. Ruby reappeared, her fists in the air. There were ten cult members still standing. The cats hissed. A black Burmese shouted, “Get the nonbelievers!”
Roscoe pulled the trigger on his leash gun, but nothing happened. “I’m out of ammo! Ruby, time to use it!”
She shook her head. “I’m not wearing my helmet! It’ll get me, too!”
“Just do it!”
Ruby pulled the pin on a chrome canister and tossed it at the floor. The catnip bomb hissed, spraying green powder. The cult members dropped their weapons and began rolling on the floor. Ruby tried to resist the urge, but she succumbed as well, writhing on the carpet.
Roscoe scooped her up and dived out the window. He grabbed for the rope, sliding down so fast his paws burned. When they reached the ground, he grabbed her shoulders and shook her. “Snap out of it! We need to run!”
She stared at him, her pupils wide. “Snap what? What’s going on?”
The front door sprang open and a crowd of cats spilled out onto the lawn, led by the two huge Maine Coons. The cats quickly surrounded them. Thirty pairs of eyes reflected the light from his collar.
“Time for zoomies!” He bounded into the crowd, swinging his fists. He pounded a Persian, rammed a Ragdoll, and chopped a Chartreux. The cats struck out with their blades but couldn’t touch the speedy space dog.
Roscoe turned to see the larger Maine Coon holding Ruby’s neck, a dagger pressed against her throat. “Stop!” the Maine Coon said. “Surrender now or she gets it!”
“Don’t do it!” Ruby cried.
Roscoe put up his paws. “Don’t hurt her! I surrender.”
The cats pushed them back into the mansion, taking them to the great hall. In the center of the room stood a huge, gold statue of a cheetah. The cheetah’s mouth was open in a silent roar, its face distorted with rage. The cats produced a red yarn ball and tied Roscoe and Ruby to the statue.
“What are you going to do with us?” he asked.
The larger Maine Coon drew her blade and scowled. “You nonbelievers have invaded our house and disrupted our sacred rituals. For that, you will be sacrificed to Mafdet! But first, torture!” The crowd of cats parted, revealing something truly horrific: a vacuum cleaner.
“No!” he yelped. “Anything but that!”
The cats switched on the terrible device, vacuuming the rug around the idol. He whimpered, his eyes wide. When his humans cleaned house, he could hide in the next room or duck down to the basement. But now he was powerless to escape.
The vacuum seemed part machine, part monster. It roared, threatening to devour all that fell before it. This was worse than thunder. This was pure sonic evil.
Suddenly, the yarn fell away. Ruby raised her claws in triumph. “Run for it!”
But Roscoe just stood there, staring at the vacuum between them and the door.
She dug her claws into his rear. “I said move!”
Roscoe yelped and ran past the menacing machine, Ruby close behind. She tossed a smoke bomb over her shoulder. The cats chased after them, coughing and choking.
They bolted out the door and across the clearing. They weaved through the trees. As they ran through the dark forest, he was glad the cats hadn’t taken his collar light. They made it back to Anubis Crater and climbed in the Canine Comet. The cultists caught up just in time to see them fly away.
Part Five – Fetching Styx
Ruby sighed, exhausted. “Roscoe, we need to talk. You’ve got to get over your fear! The firecrackers, the vacuum… How can we ever hope to beat Fender if you’re so scared?”
He covered his snoot with a paw. “I wasn’t scared. I just yelp to alert you of danger.”
“I know fear when I see it.” She rubbed his shoulder. “I’m scared a lot. I’m a cat who works with dogs.”
“Why do you work for SSA, anyway? Aren’t there cat organizations you could work for?”
“I’ve met with the Cat Monster Patrol, Feline Ghost Hunters, the White Whiskers Paranormal Society… But once I determined our humans weren’t in danger from the paranormal, I wanted to make sure they were safe from other threats.”
“Well, finding the Squeaky of Doom will be a huge step in that direction. Let’s take a look at your photos.”
She took out her phone and plugged it into the ship’s computer. The photos of the combined star maps appeared on the ship’s main screen.
“Why do you have a phone, anyway?” he asked. “Do you need it for –”
“If you say ‘catcalling,’ I’ll shove my claws in your butt again.”
“Aw, you’re no fun.”
They poured over the combined map. It seemed complete, but didn’t point to any particular location.
“Wait a minute,” Ruby said. “I took a photo of the window by itself.” They compared the photo of the window to the paper star map. “There’s only one location that appears on both maps!” she said. “Styx!”
Roscoe wagged excitedly. “Oh, I love sticks!”
She sighed. “It’s one of Pluto’s moons.”
“Oh. Let’s go anyway. That has to be where the squeaky is hidden!”
Styx was small for a moon, only about ten miles across. Like Pluto, the surface temperature averaged negative four hundred degrees Fahrenheit, so they would have to wear a scarf.
The radar pinged. There was another ship in orbit around Styx. Somehow Fender had beaten them there.
Roscoe realized he was nervous panting. He pulled his tongue back in his mouth. “He probably won’t find the squeaky. He doesn’t have the maps. So we can just turn around before he spots us, right?”
Ruby smacked him across the snoot. “No! We’re completing the mission. So what if you’re scared? Being a hero doesn’t mean never being afraid. It means doing the right thing in spite of your fear.”
He sighed. “You’re right. So what if he has a faster ship and better weapons? We can beat him! …Somehow.”
Roscoe fired the Canine Comet’s leash cannons, wrapping Fender’s gun turret in knotted rope. Fender’s tennis ball guns could still fire, but now the turret couldn’t move. The entire ship would have to turn to position the guns. As long as the Canine Comet kept circling, it could stay out of harm’s way.
The control panel lit up with an incoming message. Fender appeared on the screen. “I don’t need tennis balls,” he laughed. “I’ve got torpedoes! Leave Styx now or be destroyed!”
“We can’t do that,” Roscoe said. “We need the squeaky to protect our humans.”
“Humans,” Fender grunted. “No one ever gave me food or a bed. I scrounged on the street for years. But it was worth it to be free. No leashes! No masters! I’m doing just fine all by myself.”
“Every dog deserves a home,” Roscoe said. “We’re just trying to keep their homes safe.”
While Roscoe kept Fender talking, Ruby sent out the drone. It was a three-foot craft shaped like a bee. It was small but it carried plenty of fuel. She flew it in a sharp curve that sent it crashing into the side of Fender’s ship. The drone exploded, blasting a hole in the hull.
“That should slow him down,” Roscoe said. “Now we just have to worry about the torpedoes. Do you have any smoke bombs left?”
“Sure, lots. Why?”
“Load them into the airlock! All of them!”
Ruby piled the bombs into the airlock and closed the inner door. Without depressurizing the airlock, she opened the outer door. The air was sucked out into the vacuum of space, carrying the bombs with it.
The bombs exploded, hiding the two ships in a vast cloud of smoke. Roscoe turned their ship towards Styx. “It should take him a while to repair the hole. Let’s try to make the most of our head start.”
He took the ship down low, scanning the ground below. Styx was covered with the ruins of an ancient dog civilization. There were dilapidated stone temples, a vine-covered pyramid, a rusty fire hydrant, and other crumbling monuments to the dogs of old.
“Where do we search first?” she asked.
“I know where the squeaky is!” he gasped. “The dog ancestors would have hidden their most important weapon with their other valuables. And what do dogs treasure above everything else?”
“Treats? Sticks? Sniffing butts?”
“No… Bones! And where do you find bones? In a pyramid!”
He brought the ship in for a landing next to the pyramid, blasting a cloud of sand into the air. He loaded his leash gun and shoved it in his belt. They climbed out of the ship and scanned the skies. It didn’t look like Fender hadn’t followed them.
“Look at all this sand,” Ruby said. “This moon is like a giant litter box.”
“Don’t even think about it.”
The entrance to the pyramid was between two large, intricately carved pillars. They walked inside, descending down a long tunnel. The tunnel was covered in faded engravings showing ancient dogs ruling over their kingdom, fighting battles, meeting with the gods, and marking trees.
“Who do you think is buried here?” Ruby asked.
“I don’t know. One of the ancient dog leaders. Ruffhotep, Barkankhamun, Alexander the Great Dane, someone like that.”
As they got farther from the entrance, the tunnel grew darker and darker. He switched on his collar light. The engravings were replaced by carvings of storm clouds and lightning bolts. A rumbling sound came from somewhere deep in the darkness.
Roscoe panted nervously. “Maybe we don’t go this way…”
Ruby pushed him forward. “Come on! We’ve got a super weapon to find!”
As they continued down the tunnel, the rumbling grew louder. There was a crack as one of the carved lightning bolts fell from the ceiling. They jumped to the side as the stone shattered into bits. The rumbling grew even louder.
Her eyes widened. “Run for it!”
“Hop on my back!” he yelped. “It’s time for zoomies!” She jumped on, clinging to his collar. He barreled down the hall, springing left and right as the stone lightning bolts fell.
Carved storm clouds collapsed, spraying stone shards. He suddenly wished he had worn his helmet. The muscles in his legs began to burn. He couldn’t keep this up much longer.
The terrifying rumbling grew ever stronger as he zigzagged down the tunnel. Something huge emerged from the darkness. A boulder tumbled towards them, somehow rolling uphill.
“Jump!” Ruby cried.
Roscoe leaped as high as he could. Ruby clung to the wall, her claws clinging to a gap between the stones. She held on to his collar and pulled him higher. The boulder rolled under them, continuing uphill.
The boulder struck the rubble from the stone storm clouds and cracked open. The crack spread until the boulder split in two. Thousands of hamsters spilled out, skittering back down the tunnel.
She climbed down the wall, lowering him to the floor. “We’d better be careful,” she said. “Who knows how many more traps are down here?”
“It looks like the dog ancestors chose this spot because they knew it was well protected. Even if an enemy found the maps, they wouldn’t make it to the squeaky alive.”
They continued down the tunnel, ever deeper into the darkness. Save for the sound of Roscoe’s nails on the stone, everything was silent. The lightning bolts and storm clouds were gone. The stone walls were smooth. Suddenly, the rumbling returned.
“Not more thunder!” he whimpered.
“Another boulder?” She stared into the dark. The tunnel ahead was empty.
The floor began to move. They jumped backwards. Ahead of them, the floor split in two. The halves retracted into the walls, revealing a hundred-foot-long pit filled with dark brown liquid.
He sniffed. “Oh no… Chocolate!”
“Use your leash gun,” she said. “We can swing across!”
He examined the ceiling. “There’s nothing for it to wrap around,” he said. “Even if I used a grappling hook, there are no cracks for it to grab onto.”
“I can’t climb the walls, either,” she said. “We’re stuck.”
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “No, we’re not. There’s one thing we can do. We can swim across.”
“I can’t swim!” she gasped. “I’m a cat!”
“You can ride on my back again.”
She shook her head. “I can’t let you do that. As soon as you need to take a breath, you’ll get chocolate in your mouth. Let’s go back and get our space helmets.”
“We can’t. The tunnel is blocked by the broken boulder. The only way we can go is forward. It’s time to be brave.”
Once more, she climbed on his back, clinging to his collar. He took a deep breath and dove into the poison pit. As he dog paddled with all his might, she felt herself shuddering with fear. Something long and slender reached out of the dark liquid. A tentacle.
“Watch out!” she screamed. “It’s a choctopus!”
He whimpered, dog paddling faster. A pair of tentacles reached out, stretching towards them. She held her breath and climbed down his back, slipping under the chocolate. She grabbed the leash gun and pulled herself back up. She fired. The rope splashed into the chocolate. A miss.
He reached back and grabbed the gun. He turned and fired at the tentacles, wrapping them in green rope. A dark shape appeared. The choctopus’s head protruded from the liquid. Its other tentacles pulled at the knotted rope.
“We’d better move!” she cried.
His legs aching, he swam for the other side. She leapt from his back and landed on the stony floor. She grabbed his paws and pulled him from the chocolate pit. They bolted down the tunnel, leaving a trail of brown paw prints.
A hundred yards later, they collapsed, exhausted. “I don’t think it’s following us,” he said, panting.
“A choctopus can’t survive very long without corn syrup,” she said. “It’s probably still there, waiting for another intruder to fall in the pit.”
He took a few steps and shook, splattering the walls with chocolate. “I’m still a mess, but that’s a little bit better.”
She looked down at her chocolate-covered paws and sighed. “Wish I could lick myself clean.”
The tunnel led to a large room. The walls were lined with furniture: a couch, a pair of end tables, a recliner, all human-sized and all carved from solid stone. In the center of the room was a human-sized sarcophagus.
“Oh boy!” Roscoe said, wagging his tail. “Bones!”
“Dogs,” Ruby said, rolling her eyes. “Let’s get out of here. This has to be another trap.”
“What’s the trap?” Roscoe asked, shrugging. “It’s just a living room with nobody living in it.”
The lid of the sarcophagus began to move.
Ruby grumbled. “You just had to say it, didn’t you?”
The sarcophagus opened. A thin arm wrapped in strips of white cloth reached out. Something inside groaned. “Who dares disturb me during nap time?” A mummy climbed out of the sarcophagus and stood before them, stretching. In addition to the strips of white cloth, it was wearing a ratty, blue bathrobe and slippers.
“S-sorry for disturbing you,” Roscoe stammered. “We’ll just be going now.”
“No!” the mummy snapped. “You’ve been bad!” The mummy reached into the sarcophagus and produced a magazine. It rolled the magazine into a tight tube. “You’re a bad boy! Bad boy!”
Roscoe whimpered and backed away.
The mummy advanced, slapping the magazine in its palm. A loose strip of cloth dangled from its side.
“Ooh!” Ruby gasped. “Fun!” She attacked the cloth, swatting the strip back and forth.
The mummy grabbed her, scooping her up. “And you… Bad kitty! That’s not a toy! Bad!”
Roscoe stretched to his full height and growled. “No! You put her down! And I’m not a bad boy! I’m a hero!” He jumped at the mummy and grabbed the strip of cloth in his jaws. Tugging, he backed up the tunnel.
“No!” the mummy gasped. “Stop that!”
Roscoe ran up the tunnel, pulling the cloth. The mummy spun like a top, coming unwound. Ruby leapt from his arms, landing on the stone recliner. The mummy spun faster and faster, at last collapsing in a heap of bones.
Roscoe returned and grinned at the pile of bones. Even before he opened his mouth, Ruby said “No.”
“Please?”
She sighed deeply. “Okay, fine.”
“His name must be Napoleon because he’s Bones Apart.” She rolled her eyes. “This pyramid smells funny. Something sphinx in here. …Oh, c’mon, sourpuss, let’s go.”
She looked around at the undead living room. “Go where? The tunnel ends here.”
“There has to be a door somewhere. Let’s search.”
There were no engravings on the walls. The walls were smooth and solid. Each item of furniture appeared to be one solid piece of stone.
He examined the recliner. Like the one in their humans’ sitting room, it had a lever on the side to make the back recline and the footrest extend. But as it was solid stone, it couldn’t move. So what did the lever do? He pushed down. A section of the floor slid back, revealing a staircase. “Bingo!”
Despite being exhausted, they ran down the stairs. The stairs led to a room with a shrine carved into the far wall. In the center of the shrine was a small, rubber cheeseburger. The Squeaky of Doom!
Above the shrine, an engraving read, “You have passed the tests and found your reward. This squeaky toy is a powerful weapon. Use it wisely, you bravest of good boys.”
Ruby huffed. “They just assume a boy found it? That’s sexist.”
Roscoe shrugged. “We’re partners. You can use the squeaky, too.”
She shook her head. “No, thanks. I prefer playing with living toys. Birds, mice, humans… ”
Roscoe had to stand on his hind legs to reach the squeaky. When he removed it from the shrine, the wall opened, revealing another staircase. The stairs led up to a hidden door in the side of the pyramid.
“Wow, a lot of secret doors and hidden tunnels today,” Ruby said.
Roscoe shrugged. “Architects must get bored a lot.”
They returned to the Canine Comet and flew back into space. Fender’s ship was still circling the moon. He had sealed the hole with duct tape. His ship had extended a hydraulic arm with a radar dish on the end, apparently scanning the ground for any sign of the squeaky.
Roscoe rolled down the window. “Time to test this thing out!” He held the squeaky out the window and squeezed gently. The Squeaky of Doom fired a beam of sonic energy. The ship’s engine exploded, burning with blue flames. It tumbled down, crashing into the surface of the moon below.
“Alright!” Ruby cheered.
The control panel lit up with an incoming message. Fender appeared on screen, shaking his fist. “Once I get off this moon, you two are done for!”
“I think I saw some spare spaceship parts in the pyramid,” Roscoe said. “You should go check it out.”
Ruby switched off the transmission. “It’ll take him months to fix his ship. He’ll have plenty of time to think about what a bad dog he’s been. Now let’s head home. We should get this chocolate cleaned off before we start attracting space ants.”
Part Six – Good Boy
Back at the security center, a freshly-scrubbed Roscoe put in the call to Commander Laika. He and Ruby saluted. “Mission complete! The space adventure has been both spaced and adventured!”
“That’s great to hear,” Laika said, her tail wagging. “Keep the squeaky safe and keep watching the skies. But not today… I think you’ve earned a vacation. Take a week and go anywhere you would like, anywhere in the whole galaxy.”
“Thank you, ma’am,” Roscoe said. He ended the transmission.
As the sun was coming up over the trees, they left the security center and returned to the house. Roscoe climbed on the couch and curled up on the middle cushion. Ruby found a warm spot in a sunbeam and immediately fell asleep.
The humans came downstairs and made breakfast. They brought their plates into the living room and sat on the couch. Roscoe rolled on his back and the humans took turns rubbing his belly. “Who needs to travel?” he thought. “I’m exactly where I want to be.”
Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this story, check out Roscoe’s first adventure, Roscoe and the Anti-Television!
