Episode 1: The Longing
Captain Eric stood on the bridge, arms akimbo, and gazed wistfully at the darkness outside. “I know the galaxy needs heroes, but… sometimes I wish we could go beyond our jurisdiction. Sometimes I wish this starship was an exploratory vessel, pushing ever onward into the infinite frontier.”
Amy laughed. “You get upset if we’re more than five minutes from a Clone Burger.”
“Daddy needs his fries.”
Episode 2: The Girlfriend
Captain Eric threw his coat over K’thar’s head and led her to his quarters. “So cold on the ship!” he said, laughing nervously. “Got to keep you warm!”
She sighed. “Are you embarrassed that your lover is an enemy Reptilian?”
He forced another laugh. “Don’t be silly! Who cares about a little sex treason?”
Episode 3: The Twin
Captain Eric returned from vacation, and walked onto the starship’s bridge for the first time in weeks.
Amy turned and drew her ray gun. “Evil twin! Satan sibling! Brother of Beelzebub!”
Eric raised his hands. “I just grew a goatee! That’s all!”
She scowled. “How do I know you’re not the evil you from Universe 47B, huh?”
He sighed. “My doppelgänger has a mustache, remember?”
“Oh yeah. One of those waxed and curly ones.”
“Yeah. What an ass.”
Episode 4: The Floater
Amy landed the starship on a planet called Leviathan IV.
Captain Eric pointed at the horizon, frowning. “It’s one of those damnable things.”
She shook her head. “What things?”
“That! The floater! The… the… big, stupid balloon!”
“It’s called a dirigible,” Amy said, sighing.
He threw up his hands. “Dirigible? The writer is trying to change genres on us! Not on my watch. …Fire ion cannons.”
Episode 5: The Parking
Captain Eric and Amy watched the crane lift their spaceship into the shredder.
“Well, you were right,” she said. “Landing in the recycling yard did get us free parking.”
He laughed nervously. “We’ll just put it back together. You like puzzles, right?”
Episode 6: The Park
Captain Eric landed the starship at a park. He pushed a small, furry creature out the airlock. “Go, boy! You’re free now! Chase some cats!”
“So I drank your beer,” Taklii said. “I’m still your intern!” As the ship took off, he yelled, “Do I still get college credit?”
Episode 7: The Alley
Alien invaders chased Captain Eric down an alley. He slipped into a window and landed in a pile of stuffed animals. Apparently he was in a toy store.
“Have to warn everyone,” he gasped, panting. “Have to get help…” His hand brushed against the toys. They were the softest things he had ever touched. “And this adorable bear. And a zebra, and a unicorn, and a tufted titmouse…”
Episode 8: The Betrayal
Captain Eric was in the General’s office at Panstellar Confederation Headquarters. The General fuming. He looked angry enough to throw Eric out the window. Again.
“You betrayed Humanity!” the General howled, his fists banging the table. “You let the Reptilians steal top secret material! It’s tantamount to espionage!”
Captain Eric sighed. “It’s not my fault you left your diary sitting out.”
“…It’s not a diary, it’s a journal.”
Episode 9: The Threat
“Don’t mess with me!” Captain Eric yelled. “I can kill a man with one finger! For example, sever my pinkie, feed it to him, and hope he chokes!”
The burly man grabbed Eric by his coat and hurled him out the door.
Amy sighed. “I told him to leave the bouncer alone…”
Episode 10: The Meal
Captain Eric walked into the starship galley with a large box.
Amy groaned. “What gross alien food have you brought back now?”
“It’s not gross, it’s local culture!” He read the box. “It’s Codswallop, codfish coated in freshly juiced swallow… Yeah, let’s get pizza.”
Episode 11: The River
Captain Eric and Amy were on Giles XI, searching for the river monster that had been attacking the locals. They decided to swim to either side of the river, hoping to trap it in the middle.
Amy saw movement in the water. She took a deep breath and called out, “I see tentacles!”
“What?” he yelled. “Is my swimsuit too short?
Episode 12: The Baby
Captain Eric went down to the bridge and gathered the crew. “Listen up. There’s an escaped prisoner on board. He’s a shapeshifter, so he could be anyone! There are rumors that he can even manipulate people’s memories and take the shape of people who don’t even exist.”
Amy smiled down at the baby in her arms. She kissed her son on his forehead, stroking his beard. “We’ll look for him, won’t we, sweetie?”
“Sure, lady,” the baby said.
Episode 13: The Funeral
A crowd of Panstellar Confederation employees were gathered outside headquarters. Some were heartbroken and crying, and others were just there because they had heard there would be cake.
The General bowed his head. “We are here for a day of remembrance honoring the late Captain Eric…”
Eric stepped inside. “Sorry to interrupt!”
“Eric!” The General said. “But in the previous story, I saw you get shot!”
“Apparently the artillery fire was non-canon.”
The General scowled. “I told you no more faking your death just for puns.”
Episode 14: The Spiral
The starship spiraled closer and closer to the black hole. Captain Eric threw up his hands. “I keep calling for help on the radio, but nobody responds! It’s futile!”
Amy frowned. “You have to hold down the red button to talk.”
His eyes widened. “Oh. Next time we’re doomed, you make the call.”
Episode 15: The Lecture
Captain Eric finished his lecture and asked the new space operative cadets if there were any questions.
A six-eyed Thrulian raised her hand. “Is the General your uncle or something? I heard you got this job through nepotism.”
“Yeah, I sacrificed a cadet to Nepot, Goddess of Promotions. Next question!”
Episode 16: The Birds
As they walked to the Galactic Peace Summit dinner, Amy took Captain Eric’s arm. “The Ratites are an avian species,” she said. “If you tell bird jokes, they’ll be furious and won’t sign the treaty.”
Eric nodded. “I appreciate your condor. I won’t say anything we might egret later.”
She gasped. “Shush! They’ll hear you!”
“Sorry. Owl stop now.”
Episode 17: The Firing
Captain Eric and Amy entered the Panstellar Confederation Headquarters. Despite having been terminated, their keycards still worked. The security guards always took forever to make any updates when former employees left. They weren’t paid enough to worry about a little interstellar espionage.
The duo slipped down the hall and into the General’s office. The General was asleep in his chair. Captain Eric picked up his memory gun. “I’ll make him forget he fired us last week.” He pulled the trigger. An orange beam struck the General in the temple. A moment later, the gun beeped. “Oh no.”
“What?” Amy gasped.
“I meant to erase six days, not six decades… Know any good babysitters?”
Episode 18: The Art
Amy studied a pile of crumpled, plastic sheets and bottles. “Such fascinating public art on this planet.”
Captain Eric laughed. “The art installation is across the bridge. That’s litter.”
She blushed. “I knew that. An art lover can find beauty anywhere.”
Episode 19: The Universe
Captain Eric was repairing a huge radio telescope. He slipped, sliding to the center of the bowl, and was disintegrated. Days later, he shimmered back into view.
“I was spread across the stars,” he said. “One with the universe. Finally at peace.”
“What was it like?” Amy asked.
Eric shrugged. “Meh.”
Episode 20: The Invasion
“Aliens are invading Ballor IV!” Amy gasped.
Captain Eric wagged his finger. “Don’t say invasion. The Skull Men are our allies. We can’t make them look bad.”
She shook her head. “What else do you call it?”
He shrugged. “Space kerfuffle? Orbital death ray hullabaloo?”
There was a clamor outside as a swarm of shuttles landed on the hotel lawn. Eric ran out to see what was happening. Dozens of reporters exited the shuttles, and he soon found himself surrounded.
“Captain Eric! Captain Eric! How are you going to stop the interplanetary war?”
He raised his hands, gesturing for silence. “Don’t give credence to alien invasion rumors. The Skull Men are a peaceful culture, and valuable allies.”
A reporter in red pointed over his shoulder. “The building behind you just exploded.”
“Allegedly!”
Episode 21: The Hustle
Captain Eric had been assigned to talk to the Zolfrakian diplomats and convince them to join their planetary system with the Panstellar Confederation. After hours of talk, it was not going well.
“This system you call ‘politics’ seems like a hustle, Human,” the Zolfrakians said. “On our planet, that’s illegal.”
Captain Eric shook his head. “No, they’re all honest public servants. Nobody knows why they always make the right stock picks. I think it’s because they’re so wise…”
Episode 22: The Power
Captain Eric grumbled. He had wandered the halls for an hour and still hadn’t found what he needed. How could a spaceship not have any spare outlets?
He returned to the bridge, poking at a control panel “I’ll just unplug this.”
Amy gasped. “That’s life support! What do you need to power so badly?”
“Ah, nothing…” Blushing, he shoved his Andy Android toy in his pocket.
Episode 23: The Being
Captain Eric was alone on the bridge of his starship when a light appeared in the distance. As it got closer, he realized the light was in the shape of a humanoid being. The glowing being approached, passing through the glass of the window and entering the bridge.
“You one of those alien space gods?” Captain Eric asked.
“Yes,” the being said. “I am here to make you immortal.”
Eric squinted. “What’s your endgame? Seems like a scam.”
The being spread its hands. “Eternal joy is just $89.95 for the first month, and then…”
He jabbed a finger at its chest. “Aha! Get the hell off my spaceship.”
Episode 24: The Trap
Captain Eric and Amy landed on a small, heavily forested moon. They found a clearing in the trees and placed a large, steel disk on the ground, covering it with leaves. Anything that stepped on the disk would instantly find itself trapped in an impenetrable force field.
He rubbed his brow. “Look, I’ll be honest. I was too hung over to pay attention at this morning’s briefing. What are we doing here again?”
Amy sighed. “This planet is covered in bipedal carnivorous plants,” she said slowly. “Man-eating mangrove. The locals called us to help. It should be easy to catch one. They’re attracted to anything that exhales carbon dioxide, so one should smell us and walk right into our trap.”
Captain Eric nodded. “I’m waiting with baited breath.”
Episode 25: The Deal
Captain Eric came back to the spaceport bar, laughing. He sat at the table, took a drink of his beer, and started laughing again, nearly choking.
Amy raised an eyebrow. “Alright, out with it. What did you do?”
He smiled so wide his face hurt. “You know how the translator earpieces are always buggy? They get there and their confused, things like that?”
Amy nodded. “Of course. It’s the bane of my existence. It’s hard to negotiate with hostile aliens when they don’t know if you want them to leave you alone or take out a loan… So, what happened? I saw you talking to that smuggler. Zol something.”
He nodded, still laughing. “Zoltar. I offered him five hundred vermilion dollars for his spaceship. He needed the money, and he thought his translator was malfunctioning… he agreed!”
Amy sighed. “I’ll go dye our cash.”
Episode 26: The Shipwreck
“Six months since our starship crashed on this beach,” Captain Eric said, “and nobody’s come to rescue us. We haven’t seen a soul in all that time. Looks like we’re this planet’s Adam and Eve.”
Amy laughed. She held out a hand and showed him a small piece of black cardboard. “We’re not alone after all! I just found a matchbook in the sand. Let’s try to find this biker bar.”
“Another reason to hate litterbugs,” he grumbled.
Episode 27: The Cadets
Captain Eric watched the new recruits boarding the starship. There were two dozen young people from planets across the galaxy all wanting to learn about the space hero business. He turned to Amy and sighed. “Cadet Winslow told me a rather unfortunate story,” he said. “It seems her parents died in an iron mine.”
Amy nodded sadly. “She’s an orphan?”
“No, she hates it. Can’t stand the stuff.”
Episode 28: The Passenger
After some serious budget cuts, Amy came to Captain Eric with an idea: taking on passengers.
“Passengers?” he gasped. “We’re not cab drivers. We stop alien invasions and kill monsters. No. Absolutely not.”
“Well, we’ve got to take at least one,” she said. “I’ve already sold a ticket. But he’s a little odd…” She explained that the passenger was a software engineer looking to visit a nearby moon. He had no luggage, just an his AI. Before Captain Eric could protest, she headed for the airlock and led the engineer inside.
“It’s weird,” Captain Eric whispered. “There should be a law against it.”
Amy shrugged. “An AI is legally a person, wherever you install it. …Welcome aboard our starship!”
“Thanks!” the engineer said. He pointed to a toaster. “Where can I plug in my girlfriend?”
Episode 29: The Cave
Captain Eric and Amy were on Sardon IV, hunting for a creature that had been eating the locals. They had already searched the neighboring villages without result. At last, they decided to search the caves on the nearby mountains.
“Remember,” Amy said, “the locals said the creature has a hypnotic gaze it uses to lure in victims, so don’t look at it too closely.”
Captain Eric laughed. “How am I supposed to kill a thing without looking at it? Just shoot wildly and hope I hit something?”
“You know what I mean.”
They stepped into a cave and explored the darkness. It didn’t take long for the creature to find them. It had limbs like twisted vines, skin dripping black ooze.
He stared at the monster. “She’s exquisite, so beautiful…”
She grabbed his hand and attempted to pull him from the cave, but he wouldn’t budge. “Don’t look in its eyes!”
“I bet she does yoga…”
“You know what? Fine. You want to be eaten, go right ahead.”
Episode 30: The Shapeshifter
Captain Eric trudged down the corridor, waving his scanner. He shoved past a tall man in a red uniform. “Be careful in the halls,” Captain Eric said. “It’s better to not walk around alone. The shapeshifter we caught escaped. It’s an angry pooka named Wrath. Very dangerous. It could be anyone or anything on the ship.”
“I’ll let you know if I see anything strange,” Captain Eric said.
“Thanks for the help,” Captain Eric said.