Episode 61: The Colony
“We can’t build a colony here,” Captain Eric said, gesturing at the houses. “It’s against galactic regulations. This place has sentient beings! There’s a community here!”
“Just animals,” Amy insisted. “I’ve looked. There is no intelligent life on this planet.”
“They have television!” he said, showing the network signals on his wrist computer.
“Just game shows and reality TV.”
“Oh?” He rubbed his chin. “Okay then. Call in the bulldozers.”
Episode 62: The Missile
“I have to time this perfectly,” Captain Eric thought. “At any moment, their ship’s shields will go down… just for a moment… and if I don’t hit them then, we’re dead.” He waited for the telltale flicker of light, and fired.
The antimatter missile struck, and the last G’zonon ship was destroyed. Captain Eric pumped his fist and cheered.
“Your celebration is a little premature,” Amy said. “Our job’s not quite done.”
“What? The enemy is dead! What else is there?”
She wrung her hands. “Well, now we have to go before the Galactic Congress and explain why you just blew up a diplomat. He was headed here to hand over the surrender papers.”
Captain Eric smirked. “Typical G’zonon trickery. Always surrendering or begging for mercy, and then, when you least expect it, whammo! That’s when they kill you and your entire family! They tried that trick earlier during negotiations, with those doves of peace and that children’s choir. But they didn’t fool me!”
Episode 63: The Asteroids
“I’ll head through this asteroid field,” Amy said. She grabbed the ship’s control joystick and steered to a new course.
Captain Eric gasped. “The ship could get destroyed! We could be killed!”
She frowned. Clearly, he was getting by on his looks. “This isn’t a sci-fi movie. Asteroids are hundreds of thousands of miles apart.”
“…Oh.” His face fell.
She sighed and pushed the alarm test button. “Oh no, we’re in danger,” she said flatly. “What shall I do.”
“Yes! Hero time!”
Episode 64: The Smoke Monster
Captain Eric shot the gray-skinned creature. A tiny wisp of smoke rose from the hole.
“That’s it?” Eric said. “I thought you were the legendary fog monster of Rigel 9!”
“Wait for it,” the creature groaned.
“What? …Oh gods! It’s like a burning pile of fish armpits!”
Episode 65: The Romance
“I keep imagining us together,” T’zalek whispered, smiling, “lips touching, our tails entwined.”
Captain Eric blushed. “But honey…”
“I keep forgetting you’re human. No worries! Medication can correct little defects like that. I slipped some in your coffee earlier.”
Episode 66: The Medal
Captain Eric and Amy were sitting in the largest auditorium at Panstellar Confederation Headquarters.
“Isn’t this a thrill?” Amy said. “We’re getting medals!”
“We deserve it,” Eric said. “We’re unique! You killed that nanobot swarm with a katana, and I defeated a psychic alien just by thinking about black pudding. Nobody can fight like us!”
The General sighed. “The first of our 247 medals is awarded to…”
Episode 67: The Medicine
Captain Eric stumbled into the ship’s sick bay. He collapsed on the floor, his face turning purple.
Doctor Amy rushed to his side, a bubbling test tube in her hand. “I told you not to go outside! Now look. You’re infected! Quick, drink this!”
He sniffed, scowling. “It smells icky.”
“It will cure your infection!”
“I’d rather die.”
She sighed. “It’s blueberry flavored.”
“Ooh, I like juice!”
Episode 68: The Shuttle
Captain Eric headed downstairs to the ship’s science lab. Amy greeted him warmly. “You really developed an invisible shuttle?”
“I sure did!” she chirped. “Our crew will be much safer in a vehicle the enemy can’t see coming!”
He scanned the lab. “Well, where is it?”
She scratched her head. “It was around here somewhere…”
Episode 69: The Rainbow World
Early one morning, the ship landed on a new planet. Captain Eric and Amy stepped outside. The birds were shining, the sun was singing. A rainbow crawled by like a vast inchworm. A squirrel tipped his hat and bicycled off to work. It was a gorgeous day.
“Amy,” Eric said, “I think you put the wrong mushrooms in that omelette.”
Episode 70: The Strangers
Captain Eric scowled. The approaching ship was from far beyond known space. So far, they had ignored all attempts to hail them. “They haven’t replied to my messages. Should we shoot?”
Amy threw up her hands. “No! We don’t know anything about their species! They might not speak Galactic Common. As far as we know, they could communicate through smell.”
He nodded. “I’ll throw some fish in the microwave.”
Episode 71: The Flower
Captain Eric returned to the starship, a large flower in his hand.
“Don’t bring alien plants aboard!” Amy gasped. She pulled out her scanner. “It’s a Hypno Bloom! They’re super dangerous!”
“…What’s dangerous?”
“The flower!”
“What about it?”
She scratched her head. “…What about what?”
Episode 72: The Certain Doom
The starship went into a spin. Captain Eric wrestled with the controls. “We’re being sucked into that space whirlpool!”
“That’s not a thing,” Amy scoffed. “Space doesn’t have water!”
He pointed at the screen. “Apparently it doesn’t know that!”
“I’m filing a complaint. If I have to die, my death should at least be realistic!”
Episode 73: The Ambassador
“The G’zonon ambassador will be here soon,” Amy said. “I have a change to our usual protocol. When he comes through the airlock, don’t bow! He’ll think you’re mocking him.”
“Why?” Captain Eric asked.
Amy rolled her eyes. “You cut him in half with your ray gun, remember?”
“He’s still mad about that?” Eric sighed. “That was a week ago!”
Episode 74: The Force Field
“The Reptilians have us surrounded!” Amy gasped.
“The force field will keep them out,” Captain Eric said, laughing. “Don’t worry.”
The lead Reptilian ship passed through the space station’s force field, as ethereal as a steel ghost.
“Okay, maybe worry a little…”
Episode 75: The Headphones
“Take off the headphones!” Amy hissed. “We’re in negotiations with the Reptilians!”
Captain Eric whispered, “I’m listening to my nephew’s junior league spaceball game!”
“Their ships are nearing Earth! This is important!”
“So is this! I’ve got two grand riding on it!”
Episode 76: The Wormhole
Captain Eric aimed the ship at the wormhole. The wormhole had been designed for Kal’darrian ships, and the Kal’darr were only two feet tall. This would be a tight fit.
“Can’t we go the long way?” Amy gasped. “We don’t need to get there that fast. It’s just a shoe sale.”
“We’ll be fine,” he said as the ship’s wings sheered off.
Episode 77: The Trial
The courtroom fell deathly silent. At last, the judge said, “Captain Eric Adair, for your time travel crimes, I sentence you to infinity in prison.”
Eric gasped. “But I stopped Space War III!”
The judge sighed. “If you are a model prisoner, I will subtract a trillion years from your sentence.”
“Sweet!”
Episode 78: The Nanobots
“The other Kathrokians are all gone,” Valdor said. “The nanobot plague disintegrated them all.”
Captain Eric nodded. “Well, we can help! Earth science has progressed a lot in the past few years. Our nanobots can easily reassemble -“
“No thanks,” Valdor said. “Being the last of my species got me a talk show tour and a book deal.”
Episode 79: The Vacation
“I’m leaving for Beach Planet,” Captain Eric said.
“What about all the alien invasions?” Amy asked. “The Reptilians invade Earth every week. It’s their planet’s most popular hobby, next to decoupage.”
Eric shook his head. “Blasting aliens isn’t fulfilling. I’m a creative type. My real passion is abstract art!”
“I like the piece on your desk.”
He blushed. “That’s not art. I spilled mustard on my tax return.”
Episode 80: The Romance Novel
Captain Eric kicked the display for Eight Arms to Hold You, the Cephalopod romance novel. Ever since it launched, women only wanted “Eight Guys”: 8 arms, 8 figure income, and another 8 he didn’t have.
“Damn octopuses! Octopi? Octo… Go back to the ocean!”
He poked at his wrist computer. No new messages on his dating app. That Cephalopod romance writer had ruined dating. He gazed at his reflection in the bookshop window and sighed. “Women don’t want two-armed guys anymore. Maybe I should get implants…”
Episode 81: The Joke
The crowd poured out of the comedy club and into the street, laughing madly. Everyone they touched heard the joke ringing in their heads. The joke was perfect, a living thing, a parasite.
Captain Eric was grabbed by the laughing mob. The joke entered his mind. “Knock knock…”
Episode 81: The Restaurant
Captain Eric and Amy landed on Rigel 9 and found a small restaurant for dinner. “What’s good here?” Eric asked the waiter.
“I’ll bring you our signature dish!” the tentacled waiter chirped. “Cream of puppy!”
Amy blanched. “Oh good lord!”
The waiter laughed. “Don’t worry, it’s just a name. There’s no dairy.”
Episode 82: The Bar
Captain Eric sighed. As a kid, he had dreamed of action hero fights at alien bars, getting into one scrape after another. But he hadn’t known about the size difference.
He punched the bouncer’s knee. “Had enough?”
The bouncer laughed. “Get back in your dollhouse.”
Episode 83: The Slime
Captain Eric scowled. Something on the starship was leaking. In the engine room, he found a lump of orange goo clinging to the ceiling, dripping with a plop, plop, plop. “Hey, Steve!” he said. “No napping!”
“Sorry, Cap,” the goo said. “The baby kept me up all night.”
Episode 84: The Grounders
Captain Eric was at Panstellar Confederation Headquarters when the General called him into his office. “You landed on Shona!” the old man hollered. “We have strict rules about uncontacted planets! They don’t even have aircraft!”
Eric shrugged. “I had to land to make repairs. It wasn’t a big deal. So they worshiped me as a sky god. What’s the harm?”
The General sputtered. “What’s the harm? They sacrificed Koby the intern!”
“No rule against that. I checked.”
Episode 85: The Gear
Captain Eric had landed the ship on Zarmon XI. He and Amy were packing equipment to study the planet’s unusual magnetic field.
“My bag’s full,” he said.
“Nice purse!” Amy laughed.
He scoffed. “It’s not a purse! This is expensive tactical gear! It’s got pockets for space survival equipment like juice, snacks, wipes…“
She raised an eyebrow. “Who made it?”
He checked the tag. “Um… Moon Momma?”
“I think that’s a diaper bag.”
“No, it’s a… it has to be… hmm.” He sighed. “If you don’t tell anyone, I’ll give you Monday off.”
“Deal.”
Episode 86: The Spy
Captain Eric and Amy were heading to Flongo IX, preparing to meet a local spy. “They don’t have names on this planet,” Amy said. “They have titles, like Teacher Of Young or Healer Of Sick.”
“What’s our contact’s name?” he asked.
She checked the mission briefing. “He’s called Scratcher Of… oh god.”
Episode 87: The Restaurant
Captain Eric was at The Anvil, the most popular restaurant on Drextil XV. He called over the waiter. “What’s good here?”
The waiter folded his tentacles. “The swordfish. Forged fresh daily!”
He rolled his eyes. “Did they build a whole restaurant just for that joke?”
“No, sir, it’s also a mob front.”
Episode 88: The Recruits
Captain Eric was in the galley, meeting some new recruits. “I’m Eric Adair, the captain of this starship,” he said. “Looking forward to working with you.”
“I’m T’Clik,” a fuzzy, blue ensign said. “It means He Who Laughs Brightly.”
“I’m D’nok,” his friend said. “It means He Who Secretly Plans To Sabotage Your Spacecraft.” “What a beautiful language,” Eric said
Episode 89: The Present
The starship flew through a time storm, ending up in the recent past. Captain Eric found his earlier self on Earth. “I’ve come to the past to warn you about a horrifying event!”
“This is the present,” Eric said.
Captain Eric scratched his chin. “Hmm… That’s what the last me said, too.”
“Keep going back! You’ll get there, buddy!”
Episode 90: The Pilot
Captain Eric threw up his hands. “He has horns, a tail, he’s red… Our new starship pilot is the devil!”
Amy sighed. “He’s a perfectly normal alien. That’s just what his species looks like.”
He scoffed. “If he’s not a demon, tell me what planet he’s from!”
She checked his personnel file. “Um… Hades V.”
“Aha!”