Episode 91: The Visit
As their spaceship rose into the air, Captain Eric glared at the planet below. “What an awful place. No Clown Burger!”
Amy threw up her hands. “That’s what you didn’t like? They ate Koby the intern!”
He shrugged. “They wouldn’t need to eat people if they had a Clown Burger.”
Episode 92: The Trainees
Captain Eric and Amy were on Gazno IV, talking to a group of villagers. “We’re here to train you to overthrow the local warlord,” he said.
The villagers shouted excitedly.
“I’d love dance lessons!”
“Juggling!”
“Mime! Or pantomime! Whichever you prefer!”
“Puppets!”
Amy nodded. “Coup first, then puppetry lessons.”
Episode 93: The Crowd
Captain Eric brought the spaceship in low, hovering over the violent crowd. “I’ve filled the cargo hold with porcupines,” he said. “I just press this button, and we’ll quill the riot.”
Amy gasped. “We’re supposed to quell the riot!”
He shrugged. “Can’t we do both?”
Episode 94: The Bugs
Captain Eric and Amy gazed out at the empty field. As the sun set, flashing lights rose up from the grass.
“Fireflies!” Eric said excitedly. “We don’t have those on Earth anymore.”
“They’re radium flies,” Amy said. “Their bite makes you glow in the dark.”
“Fun!”
“…Because of the radiation.”
“Let’s go back inside.”
Episode 95: The Escape
Captain Eric and Amy were fleeing reptilian soldiers, running through the grass. A faded sign read “DANGER – Mi e F eld Ahe d.”
“Mine field ahead!” she gasped. “Be careful where you step!”
Hiding behind a tree, an enemy mime readied his invisible box trap.
Episode 96: The Clones
Captain Eric and Amy were watching soldiers sparring. The General had assigned Eric and Amy to pick the strongest warrior and then order a delivery truck full of clones.
Eric pointed to a mountainous man who had defeated several opponents at once. “Can you believe it? Get a load of this guy!”
Episode 97: The Shootout
Captain Eric and Ensign Gary were battling reptilians on Mondo V. Gary fell, dripping scarlet. “I’ve been shot!”
“You can’t be shot,” Eric said. “You’re out of sick days.”
He groaned. “I’ll use my vacation days.”
“Ooh, how fun! Where are you going?”
“The morgue!”
“I hear it’s nice this time of year.”
Episode 98: The Tattoo
Captain Eric’s reptilian friend D’kai was giving him a new tattoo.
“Oops,” D’kai said. “The letter n I made looks like an m. Shed your skin and I’ll start over.”
“Humans can’t do that!” Eric gasped.
D’kai’s eyes widened. “You can’t? Um… Maybe your girlfriend can change her name to Momica? You could call her Momi for short!”
“Just cut my arm off.”
Episode 99: The Desert
Captain Eric collapsed in the sand, exhausted. The insectoid assassins had finally given up the chase. He sat up, groaning. He opened his bag of desert emergency supplies, taking out a plastic bucket and shovel. “I hope the rescue ship doesn’t get here before I finish Windsor Castle…”
Episode 100: The Grays
“Visiting Earth isn’t fun anymore,” Zeta said. The gray alien sighed.
“Why not?” Captain Eric asked.
“You people used to stare up at the light in awe, thinking we were gods. Now you make probe jokes. In your minds, I went from a deity to a recreational proctologist.”
Eric frowned. “Well, you could always find a new hobby…”
Zeta shrugged. “Like what? Stamp collecting? I’ll stick to butts, thanks.”
Episode 101: The Phony
Captain Eric scowled as he and Amy left the meeting. “The General is insincere, and full of crap. He’s a cacophony.”
She smirked. “That’s not how it’s pronounced or what it means. Honestly, I’ve met parrots with better vocabularies.”
He harrumphed. “I talk fine. I’m just hangry. Let’s go get launch.”
Episode 102: The Romance
Captain Eric and Amy were on Eros V, the most romantic planet in the galaxy. Couples would come from all over to enjoy the planet’s sandy beaches, robot-tended rose gardens, and sunsets scheduled at their convenience. He said they had been assigned to a diplomatic mission, but he didn’t seem to be in work mode. When they left the ship, he was wearing cologne and a silk shirt.
As they walked along the pier and the sun set along the water, he got down on one knee. “Yes!” Amy squealed.
He raised an eyebrow. “You like watching me tie my shoes?”
“…Yeah.” She sighed. Maybe she could date Kobe the intern.
Episode 103: The Snakes
Captain Eric and Amy were at the spaceport on Serpens IX. The locals resembled giant snakes, slithering by on their way to catch a flight or a meal at the food court.
“Cops have an easy job here,” he laughed. “Everyone’s unarmed!”
“Stop!” Amy gasped. “Snake jokes are illegal here.”
He frowned. “A planet run by tyrannical snakes. Talk about a hisstopia.”
Episode 104: The End
Captain Eric and Amy huddled in the corner. As the toxic gas filled the room, they began to choke. “Just hold your breath,” Eric said, wheezing. He covered his face with a cloth, but it didn’t help.
Amy gasped. “This is it! This is the end!”
Eric took a deep breath and managed to yell at Koby the intern, “I told you, no more microwaving fish in the break room!” He took out his laser pistol and blasted the microwave to bits. “You see? This is why we can’t have nice things.”
Episode 105: The Meat
Captain Eric and Amy were at a bistro on Calladan XI. “Happy birthday!” she said. “How old are you now, anyway?”
“Which parts?” he laughed. “I keep getting in gun fights. I’ve been shot more times than I can count, mostly due to getting shot in my parietal lobe. Everything from my lip to my leg was regrown. I’m mostly new meat.”
She cringed. “I think I’ll change my order to the salad…”
Episode 106: The Pet
Amy came back to the starship carrying a large, iron bird cage with a winged, metal object inside. “I found a robot probe studying this planet’s wildlife. Won’t it make a cute pet?”
“Unknown alien tech is dangerous,” Captain Eric said.
“Relax, it just wants blood samples. Don’t you, Birdie? You want blood! Yes you do! Yes you do!”
Episode 107: The Anxiety
Captain Eric was at a bar with Zeta, a Gray alien in a silver jumpsuit. “Earth knows aliens exist,” Eric said. “What’s with the cloaking devices on your ships?”
“It’s social anxiety,” Zeta said. “All the Earth crowds make us nervous.”
“Just do what I do: picture people in their underwear. Or in your underwear. Either way works.”
Episode 108: The Eyeball
Captain Eric and Amy were on Calladan XI, hunting down a monster that had been eating the locals. They followed the trail of bodies out to the wilderness, tracking it to a large cave in a mountainside.
Amy peered into the cave but couldn’t see a thing. “How big is this tentacled eyeball?”
“Huge,” he said. “And carnivorous. So mustard up some courage and—”
“It’s muster.” She sighed. “It’s like you’ve never spoken Human before.”
“What? No, that doesn’t sound right. It means be brave, like eating a hotdog.”
She shook her head. “What’s brave about eating a hotdog?”
“You know, when you’re out somewhere and you’re starving, so you buy hotdogs from a guy cooking them over a barrel fire in the parking lot of an abandoned hospital…”
She blanched. “You’ve got to stop eating weird garbage. I’m tired of pumping your stomach.”
“It’s fine!” he laughed, heading into the cave. “Now stop being a wienie and follow me!”
Episode 110: The Rescue
Captain Eric and Amy ducked behind crates, shooting their way through the warehouse. When the last crook fell, they discovered the robot chop shop had already stripped the android senator for parts.
“They sold his brain!” Amy groaned. “The General is going to be so mad. When we’re sent to rescue someone, that usually means all of them, including their internal organs.”
Eric shrugged. “No one will notice.”
Episode 111: The Crowd
Captain Eric and Amy were at a crowded spaceport on Nautiloid IX. “Try not to brush up against the locals,” Eric said. “You don’t want to catch some alien disease and start growing tentacles.”
Amy blushed. “Well…”
He sighed. “Stop reading Cephalopod romance novels!”
Episode 112: The Swarm
Captain Eric and Amy ran, dodging traffic and climbing over fences, but the swarm of alien rats was too fast. They headed down an alley, but realized too late that it was a dead end. The swarm cut off their escape. The rats pulled themselves together, taking on a humanoid shape. It growled in a thousand vicious voices. “Who dares challenge the Rat King?” The swarm drew closer, raising its fists.
Eric drew his laser pistol and fired. Rat after rat fell, burned to a crisp, but new ones kept appearing. “It’s a rat hydra!” he yelped. “I can’t stop them!”
“They’re a psychic hive mind,” Amy said. “Just break their connection to the group! Quick, split them up!”
Eric nodded. “So, who are you rats voting for?”
Episode 113: The Mirror
Captain Eric and Amy were in the starship’s galley. “Oh,” she said, laughing, “you’ve got something on your face.”
He went over to a nearby mirror. “Welcome to ReflectCo!” it said. “Grab our app and watch a brief ad to see your reflection!”
He grumbled. “I hate the future.”
“Sign up now to start earning Shiny Coins you can use for virtual merchandise!” the mirror continued. “Dress up your reflection with e-shirts and—”
Captain Eric drew his ray gun and melted the mirror into a puddle of silver goo. “How many years of bad luck is that?”
Episode 114: The Munchshrooms
Captain Eric and Amy were in the woods on Doru IIV. Something crunched through the dead leaves on the forest floor.
Amy watched a cluster of three-stalked mushrooms crawl towards them, fangs bared. “Predatory mushrooms!” she gasped. “What a discovery! We should capture some and research them. I could write a paper, submit it to academic journals…”
“You know what goes great with scientific research?” Eric said. “Garlic butter.”
Episode 115: The Emergency
Captain Eric grabbed Ensign Tooki’s arm. “You’re a Taldarian. I need you to manipulate time.”
“It’s dangerous,” the orange alien insisted, wiggling his eye stalks dramatically. “We could end up aging a hundred years, reverted to infants, or even lost in the time stream for good.”
Eric threw up his hands. “This is an emergency!”
Tooki sighed. “Fine, a five minute jump should get us past the commercials…”
Episode 116: The Message
Amy called Captain Eric into her lab. “After many years of work and research, I’ve finally managed to translate the mysterious messages in alien crop cycles.”
His eyes widened. “That’s marvelous! What do they say?”
“Congratulations, you have won a fifty zengblorg gift card. Visit Draconis IIV now to claim.”
Episode 117: The Machine
Captain Eric ran, a reptilian hot on his heels. He found a Blast-R vending machine. He put in a coin and grabbed the hot pink ray gun that dropped out. Spinning on his heel, he shot the assassin in the face.
He tossed the spent weapon in the trash and scowled. The vending machine next to it sold energy drinks. “Ugh, those things are so dangerous.”
Episode 118: The Scientist
Captain Eric and Amy crept into Doctor Regen’s warehouse. The scientist had been denied grant funding for his immortality research, and had been attacking corporate CEOs in some twisted revenge plan. He had been killed in shootouts with the police half a dozen times, but twenty years later, a new scientist using the Regen name would appear and start the same revenge attacks all over again.
Captain Eric and Amy battled their way through robot guards and laser turrets, finally ending up in the lab. Eric grabbed Doctor Regen and pressed his ray gun to his head. “Call off your robot army or I’ll Swiss cheese your brain.”
The mad scientist laughed. “Go ahead, shoot me! I’ll simply reincarnate. My rebirth will be your death!”
Eric rolled his eyes. “You’ll be a baby. What are you going to do, throw your binky at me? Oh no, everybody run! It’s the milk of mayhem! The diaper of doom! The terrible twos of… terror.”
“Are you done yet?”
“Yeah, let’s go.”
Episode 119: The Garden
Captain Eric and Amy were visiting a garden on Kessel IX, admiring the bewildering array of dancing vines, rainbow cacti, and electric elms. Amy pointed out a sign advertising a “man eating plants” exhibit for a hefty extra charge.
Eric laughed. “Probably a scam, like in P.T. Barnum’s day. I bet it’s just some guy eating a salad.”
Another guest nodded. “Usually it is, but sometimes the salad wins. Once, it escaped and ate the mayor.”
Episode 120: The Change
Captain Eric flew the ship into a time storm. “According to the data from our probes, this will take us back six hundred years, long before the Reptilians even discovered space travel. I can stop the Fang Wars before they even start!”
Ensign Tooki scowled. “You can’t! Undoing an interstellar war will change the time stream in unpredictable ways!”
Eric laughed. “We’ll be fine! I’ve got plenty of training in time travel. I know what I’m doing. Nichts in unserem Leben wird sich ändern.”
Tooki rubbed his brow. “Dummkopf!”