Absurdly funny super short space opera adventures
Episode 121: The Bribe
Captain Eric pounded a control panel. Nothing. The screen was still black. “The nav computer is out! How are we supposed to find Earth? We’ll be lost in the black until we run out of food and have to start eating interns…”
Amy shrugged. “Just use star charts and graph paper? Like you did in astro navigation class?”
He threw up his hands. “I don’t know how to do that! I would always just buy beer for some nerd so they would do it for me.” He gave her his most winning smile. “So..?”
She sighed. “Six pack of IPA, please.”
Episode 122: The Aristocrats
Captain Eric and Amy were at a diplomatic reception at Space Operative headquarters. The events were usually stuffy and dull, but this one was different. Aristocrats from Pluto were using anti-gravity belts to dance on the ceiling.
“These Plutocrats are upper class folks,” Eric said. “Real high society.”
Amy laughed. “No, the High Society meets later, in the parking lot.”
Episode 123: The Loner
Amy stared at the dots of light outside the ship and sighed. “My friends are spread across an archipelago of planets. I’m all alone.”
Captain Eric chuckled. “If you’re lonely, just get your communicator and talk to someone. Or you can climb in a shuttle and go visit.”
“What, like with people? Eww, gross.”
Episode 124: The Debate
Captain Eric and Amy were at the big political debates. It was exciting to think that the next Galactic President was on stage. The two candidates were SenatorBot, a lifelong politician and stainless steel android, and a newcomer known only as “Mr. Wizzy.”
“My opponent is a puppet of big business!” SenatorBot said. “Literally! He’s a just a sock with googly eyes! There’s a weapons contractor behind the podium doing his voice!”
Eric frowned. “I don’t like his anti-puppet ideology. Does he hate cartoons, too?”
Episode 125: The Enemy
Captain Eric scowled. “Well, if it isn’t my archenemy.”
Gertrude the lunch lady sighed. “Do we have to do this every day? I have to feed all six hundred people on this spaceship. Move along.”
He drew his ray gun. “Not without my extra cookie.”
She held up an antimatter bomb. “One per person!”
Amy yelped. “Can’t you two just have a food fight like normal people?”
Episode 126: The Trap
Captain Eric and Amy were on Trappist-1e, the tourism planet. “What do you want to see first?” she asked, flipping through a holographic brochure. “How about the anti-gravity amusement park?”
“We live on a spaceship,” Eric said.
“Oh, right. Hmm… How about the Hall of Clones? They use a DNA randomizer so you can see what you would look like taller or shorter or as a different gender or species.”
He shook his head. “One of me is enough.”
“How about the mysterious alien monolith that makes you evolve into a higher consciousness?”
Eric frowned. “Ugh. That doesn’t sound very relaxing. We’re on vacation! We should be less conscious, not more.”
“A bar it is, then.”
Episode 127: The Snacks
Captain Eric and Amy were in the starship’s galley, getting some snacks before movie night. He stared at the alien writing on a red bag of candy. “What is the Skrunky Scrugg Balls logo even supposed to be?”
Amy shrugged. “It’s like a Rorschach test. Depends on who you ask.”
“Is that why it looks like my Mom hiring a duck to kill me?”
“Hmm… I’ll download you a new therapist.”
Episode 128: The Pathos
Captain Eric came to visit Amy’s lab. She had been holed up for days working on an experiment. “How’s the robot emotions project going?” he asked. “Have you gotten the maintenance bot to write poetry yet?”
“Not quite,” she said, frowning. “As soon as I install the Pathos Chip in an android, they just rip it out of their head. Or they start screaming and throw themselves out the airlock.”
“You have to give emotions a mute button. Try inventing robot beer.”
She nodded. “Good idea. But I think I’ll have to invent a robot digestive system first.”
Episode 129: The Spy
Captain Eric walked down the starship’s halls to the brig, to interrogate a Reptilian spy.
“Why should I talk?” the spy demanded. “You’ll send me to prison either way.”
“No,” Captain Eric said, “you’re going to a terrarium. No guards, just hall monitor lizards.”
The spy groaned. “I thought you were against torture! These jokes are a war crime!”
Episode 130: The Gloaming
Captain Eric and Amy stopped for ship repairs on Trassius IX, a small planet covered in swamps and marshes. They had found a hotel near the shipyard.
Captain Eric returned to the hotel and, turning over a table, barricaded the door. He drew his ray gun. “Hide! The locals said the gloaming is coming!”
Amy frowned. “That just means twilight!”
“Are you sure? It sounds evil!”
“Yes!”
“Are you positive? ‘Gloaming’ really sounds like an evil creature. Probably something that eats people.”
“It’s not!”
A low groan came from outside. Something wet slapped against the window.
He pointed, grinning. “See that? Tentacle monster! Ha, I knew it!”
A rust red tentacle shattered the glass and reached inside. As he was dragged into the darkness, he called out, “I was right!”
Episode 131: The Collectable
Captain Eric and Amy were on board The Magpie, a collectables shop orbiting Drezdel IX. Eric found a jar with brown hair inside. “What is this?”
The shopkeeper smiled. “That is from holo star Tochi Roona!”
“Oh, he’s a fantastic actor!
“And a very deep sleeper!”
Episode 132: The Staycation
Amy explored the forest, coming to a shady bower where a blanket and mug of tea were waiting. She curled up with a novel.
Captain Eric switched off the simulation. “World is ending.”
“It’s my day off!”
“Sorry, I’ll just ask the alien space creeps to come back later!”
Episode 133: The Element
Captain Eric and Amy were exploring an asteroid mine when the entrance collapsed.
“How are we going to call for help?” Amy said. “Our wrist coms are dead.”
Eric laughed. “Don’t worry! I pried open this container marked Element Z13. Apparently it makes radios active!”
Episode 134: The Hunger
Captain Eric and Amy were on Reigel IX, chasing a plant monster.
Eric fired his ray gun. The creature fell, smoke rising from the hole.
As they examined the body, they became delirious with laughter. “I’m so hungry,” Amy giggled. “We should get a pie… and nachos…”
Episode 135: The Fun Guy
Captain Eric and Amy were on Squelch IV. They trudged down a sandy path between vine-covered trees. Despite the breathable atmosphere, they were both wearing respirators. Everywhere on Squelch IV smelled like a rotten egg’s funeral.
She swatted at a mosquito. “Swamp planets are so disgusting. I feel like I’ve picked up sixteen different diseases since we got here this morning.”
He flipped through the mission brief and groaned. “We have to meet with the Fungoid ambassador? He’s so boring! I’m not lichen this at all. He’s one of my yeast favorite people.”
“No fungus jokes,” Amy said. “We need their planet to sign a treaty.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t mock the old stinkhorn. It just wouldn’t be morel.”
She sighed. “If you even mention puffballs, I’m calling HR.”
Episode 136: The Colony
Captain Eric and Amy were exploring an unnamed planet in Quadrant B-9. “This valley will be perfect for the new colony,” she said. “The land is so fecund.”
Eric sniffed. “Is that what that smell is? At least it’s good fertilizer, right?”
She sighed. “You know what? I’m buying you a word of the day calendar…”
Episode 137: The Cloak
Captain Eric and Amy were on Pellucid IX, taking a tour of the local architecture. Unfortunately, the planet’s largest industry was cloaking devices. As a result, all the buildings were all invisible.
Their tour guide gestured at the workers milling about in seemingly empty fields, explaining what the buildings had looked like before they were “improved” by the new technology.
“I can’t stand it,” Eric muttered. “Let’s just go.”
“Be polite,” Amy whispered. “I know you’re bored, but this is their culture.”
“It’s not that,” Eric said. “I had six energy drinks earlier… I need a planet with opaque walls, and fast!”
Episode 138: The Cheater
Captain Eric’s girlfriend caught him in bed with a shapeshifter. “It’s not what it looks like!” he said.
“This is serious,” she said.
He began to ramble. “But but… it’s actually a compliment! I asked her to turn into you!”
“You did? Aww, honey, you’re so sweet!”
Episode 139: The Crushing
Captain Eric and Amy were in chains. A Reptilian assassin was about to crush them with a steamroller.
“Why not just shoot us?” Eric said.
“It’s a marketing thing,” the Reptilian said. “You get more gigs with a unique weapon. I used to bludgeon people with a baguette.”
Episode 140: The Rebellion
Captain Eric and Amy were on Iota, the tiniest planet in the galaxy. They had been called in to assist the resistance movement in overthrowing the local government.
“Do we really need the war?” Eric asked. “The emperor’s fortress is like a doll house. I could just step on it.”
Amy frowned. “You know space operatives aren’t allowed to overthrow governments. We need the locals to lead the rebellion. And they can’t do that with you playing Godzilla.”
“Aww…”
Episode 141: The Library
Captain Eric and Amy discovered a lone building on an otherwise empty asteroid. They investigated, and found themselves in a vast library.
The librarian was an elderly woman with a blue complexion. Her smile hinted at endless secrets. “Welcome! We have every book in the galaxy here!”
“Margites by Homer?” Amy asked.
“Oh yes,” the librarian said, “the only complete copy in existence.”
Amy’s eyes widened. “The book of poems my boyfriend wrote for me freshman year that was lost in a flood?”
The librarian nodded. “Yes, that too. It’s always been here, on a shelf waiting for you. You can read it again, any time you like.”
Amy nodded. “That’s a confession.”
The librarian furrowed her brow. “What? What do you mean?”
Eric drew his ray gun. “You’re under arrest for infinite copyright violations. You’re going to do hard time in space prison, lady.”
Episode 142: The Preytriarchy
Captain Eric and Amy were on Mantis IV. The Insectoids were at war, and the Space Operatives had been called in to negotiate a cease fire. “The Mantid king doesn’t respect women,” Eric said, “so let me do the talking. All you need to do is stand there and nod politely, okay?”
Amy rolled her eyes. “You want me to just be quiet and look pretty? Shall I bat my eyelashes at him, too?”
He nodded. “Exactly! Great idea!”
They entered the royal chamber and began the negotiations. Ten minutes later, the palace guards were tying Eric to a long pole, ready to carry him off to a fire pit to roast him like a pig.
Amy gave him a nod and a curtsy. “Wonderful negotiating,” she called. “Very impressive, you manly man.”
“You could have warned me that the queen had usurped the throne!”
Episode 143: The Gift
It was Nebula Day. Captain Eric had found the perfect romantic present for his Reptilian girlfriend K’thar.
“See?” he said. “It’s a combination of packaging, electrical, masking, and duct!”
She smiled. “Oh, honey, I’ve always wanted a genuine Human mixed tape!”
Episode 144: The Lizard
Captain Eric and Amy were on Riggle IV, being stalked by a camouflaged lizard.
She realized she could only see the lizard in her peripheral vision. “Don’t look right at it!”
He nodded. He drew his ray gun and closed his eyes.
She yelped, ducking. “Not what I meant!”
Episode 145: The Chase
Captain Eric and Amy were on Iota, running from the planet’s army. A whopping three hundred million soldiers were after them, waving swords and firing rifles.
“Why are we running?” Eric asked. “They’re an inch tall!”
She grinned. “It’s good for their self-esteem.”
Episode 146: The Engagement
“I’m marrying my soulmate!” Captain Eric insisted. “She’s my destiny! My perfect love!”
Amy frowned. “You just want to marry a shapeshifter because she’ll always look young and hot.”
He grinned. “Well, sure, that doesn’t hurt.”
“But what if you’re in bed and she dreams about clowns? Or spiders? Or a hybrid spider/clown?”
He shrugged. “I’m not afraid of a little nightmare, even if she does transform in her sleep.”
“What if she dreams about your mother?”
He blanched. “Okay, I’m calling it off.”
