…And several groaners

Need a laugh that also makes you feel smarter? Enjoy this collection of science jokes!

(Note: The science in these science jokes is not exactly accurate. These are puns, not textbooks. If you actually want to learn things, I have some research resources here.)

Mr. Atom found his wife in bed with his brother. “I can’t believe you’ve been forming covalent bonds behind my back!”

“What about that young hussy I saw you with?” Mrs. Atom said. “She was practically a quark!”

“That’s it, we’re splitting up!”

The mushroom cloud was visible for miles.

Who is more creative: scientists or average people?

Genius NASA scientists naming entire planets: TOI-2449 b, NGTS-31 b, KMT-2024-BLG-0404L b & c…

Random animal shelter volunteers naming cats: Laser Paws, Fun Gus, Imaginary Fiend, Laser Paws II: The Zappening, Kittycat Deeley, Doogie Mouser, Cat Power Of Attorney, There Are Those Who Call Him Tim…

I bet the hardest part of being a mad scientist is finding mad grant funding. It’s probably easier if you’re doing applied mad science, like building a giant robot to destroy Chicago. But nobody wants to fund theoretical mad science. It’s just not as glamorous, even though mathematical models are what make doomsday devices possible.

I once met a mad scientist who ate his own clone. He was pretty full of himself.

I asked a guy at the dog park what he did for a living, and he said he was a mechanical engineer. I never would have guessed. He looked so real!

Millions of people fall victim to harmful genetic mutations every year. Have your DNA removed before it’s too late! Only $49.95 for total DNA removal. Meet me in the alley behind the Arby’s. Look for the guy with the shop vac.

In the first episode of The Flying Nun, Sally Fields explains that her ability to fly has a scientific explanation, that it’s simply her lift-to-drag ratio.

This means The Flying Nun is technically a science fiction series, but for some reason, people get very annoyed when I point that out.

According to a scientific study, the average adult ingests about 100 milligrams of dirt a day. But I’ve always considered myself an overachiever.

According to the latest paleontology research, bedbugs date back to the time of the dinosaurs. And what’s even more amazing? Apparently dinosaurs had beds.

According to a 2020 survey, around 11% of people identify as pathological liars. But I’m thinking there miiiight be an issue with the accuracy of results.

My plan for world peace? Have NASA launche the entire world’s supply of mistletoe into orbit so everybody has to make out all the time.

Scientists have discovered a new phase of matter that is a solid and a liquid at the same time. I’m guessing the discovery was made after the scientists went to Taco Bell.

Scientists say they can tell with 80% accuracy if a child will drop out of high school by age 3. But if you ask me, they shouldn’t let toddlers in high school anyway.

Scientists say a depression in the surface of Mars was caused by a glacier. As opposed to Earth, where depressions are caused by elections.

Scientists have identified the region of the brain responsible for the “placebo effect”. Or, at least, they think they have.

Scientists removed a tadpole’s eyes and grew a new eye on its butt. Apparently it now has perfect vision, because hindsight is 20/20.

Scientists have declared Brontosaurus officially a dinosaur again.

“Oh sure, bring back a stupid lizard,” said Pluto.

Scientists have developed a test to determine if your future children will tell bad jokes. It’s called a “Pun-it Square”.

Scientists are studying using sound waves to kill sperm. I’m guessing the most effective sound is a woman’s laughter.

An entomologist claims that the secret to happiness is pretending that bugs don’t exist. Learn more in his new book, “Ignore Ants is Bliss.”

I bet the hardest part of being an entomologist is having to name all the ants. “Adam, Alex, Anthony, Adrian, Aaron, Axel… Wait, are you Adam? Stop moving around, you guys!”

According to new scientific research, holding a warm object may have the same psychological benefits as holding hands. The study was published in “Lonely Loser Magazine.”

According to research by psychologists at George Mason University, having sex is associated with a more positive mood the next day. The study will appear in this month’s issue of Duh Magazine.

If I double major in paleontology and animal husbandry, can I marry a velociraptor?

Yale psychology professor Paul Bloom wrote a book explaining what makes humans feel pleasure. Spoiler Alert: It’s cake.

I’m writing an article ranking logical fallacies. All my friends said Bandwagon Fallacy is the best, but a psychology professor said Appeal to Authority is better. I wanted them to pick Ad Hominem, but they didn’t, probably because they’re a bunch of godless heathens and communists.

Have some science jokes you want to share? Post your favorites in the comments section below! If you would like to learn how to write your own jokes, I have a humor writing guide here.