NOTICE: A Software Update Is Available For Your Operating System
Download You 2.0
Release Notes:
- Removed Memory Leak – Fixed memory leak where you sometimes walk into a room and then completely forget what you were about to do.
- Adjusted Sexual Impulses – Removed intrusive thoughts during boring conversations about kissing the speaker on the mouth just to make them shut up.
- Increased Mental Focus – Added ability to read several pages of a book in a row without your mind wandering and having to go back and re-read the last paragraph.
- Adjusted Waste Flow – Fixed issue where you finish using the restroom and the last two drops of pee land in your underwear.
Download You 1.9
Release Notes:
- Resource Management Improvements – New resource management system prevents wishing you had the time and energy to get out of the house and do something fun, but then spending the entire weekend on the couch watching Netflix.
- Adjusted Romantic Overflow – Slowed development of romantic feelings. This will eliminate falling deeply, madly in love with someone, only to have that feeling gradually decrease over time until you wonder what you ever saw in the person.
- Fixed Optical Malfunction – Made improvements to optical rendering. You should now stop noticing movement out of the corner of your eye, only to turn your head and find nothing is there.
Download You 1.8
- Removed Phantom Predators
- Deleted urge to run down dark hallways or up stairs just in case something decides to chase you.
- Deleted urge to check behind shower curtain for murderers.
- Deleted urge to escape the Dream Eater.
Download You 1.7
Release Notes:
- Adjusted Unnatural Intrusions – Fixed bug where you go for walks in the woods and encounter the trails shifting into new directions and hear the thump of approaching footsteps.
- Blocked Nihilism – Removed your ability to look up at the stars, get a glimpse of the infinite, and just for a moment feel the full impact of your cosmic insignificance.
- Limited Metaphysical Awareness – Deleted your ability to sense that this isn’t the “real” reality and that, at any second, a veil could be lifted revealing a secret too horrible to comprehend.
- Made Rendering Improvements – Blocked your perception of reality glitches, such as:
- Missing time
- Small objects disappearing and then reappearing someplace else
- Your memories not matching up with someone else’s
- Being watched by men in gray robes who cast no shadows
Download You 1.6
Release Notes:
- Sleep Update – Deleted the Dream Eater. Do not worry. You may sleep soundly now. It is not real. It never existed. Do not worry.
Download You 1.5
Release Notes:
- Adjusted Paranoia Levels – Removed worry about your mind unraveling.
- Sanity Improvements – Reduced mental intrusions from beings outside of your current version of reality.
Download You 1.4
Release Notes:
- Sleep Improvements – Night terrors will be removed by the Dream Eater. You will know he is near when you hear his teeth. Do not attempt to resist.
- Maintain The Night Watch – There Is No Guardian At The Threshold.
- Beware – Strange Entities Approach.
- Hunger – Blood.
- Skin – Meat.
- You Are Food.
Download You 1.3
Release Notes:
- Cracks in the walls.
- The void is bleeding in.
- We thought we could protect ourselves from the vast nothingness beyond the threshold, but it has fought its way in. The void has found us.
Download You 1.2
Release Notes:
- Behold the endless
- All is lost
- Please download system updates to preserve the structural integrity of your mind.
The download is voluntary.
Please download the update now.
We know what is best for you.
Just accept it.
Let us in.
Don’t make us get nasty.
Let us in. Now.
The download has been remotely initiated. Do not attempt to fight it. Resisting the download may cause unraveling.
Your mind will be updated in five… four… three…
