Absurdly funny super short space opera adventures
Episode 201: The Infection
Amy ran to Captain Eric’s office. “The beer!” she yelped.
“Mimi’s homemade beer is ready?” he asked. “Does it taste like Earth?”
She gasped, panting. “Parasite… attack… mycelium tentacles… in mouth… super gross!”
“Alien parasites? Get in here. I’ll barricade the door.”
She took a breath while he moved the couch against the door. “That won’t work,” she said. “Spaceship doors slide into the wall.”
“Damn. I hate the future. Okay, tell me what’s happening?”
She shrugged. “Some kind of parasitic alien yeast. Anyone who drinks the beer gets infected.”
He frowned. “And they’re trying to infect everyone else?”
“Yup. They grew these long mouth tentacles.” She shuddered.
“Well, just don’t kiss anyone and you won’t get space mono.”
She tossed up her hands. “I didn’t kiss anybody! It’s an attack!”
He drew his gun. “Why didn’t you say so?”
“No guns!” Amy said. “They’re your friends! …Well, it’s mostly just your coworkers, but you still shouldn’t shoot them.”
He sighed. “What do we do, then?”
“We just kill the yeast. All the infected people like booze, so go make cranberry juice punch with that 140 proof rum you have stashed away.”
He nodded. “And getting liquored up saves the day again.”
Episode 202: The Choices
Captain Eric and Amy were watching campaign ads. “Actually,” he said, “I think I might skip this one.”
“You’re not going to vote?” Amy said. “But it’s your duty as a citizen!”
“I’m just not sure I agree with Senator Killbot’s policy of chainsawing all humans. Do some humans need chainsawed? Sure. Nobody would argue with that. But me being chainsawed? That’s just bad for the economy.”
Amy shrugged. “So vote for G’zzirt. She’s for lower taxes, better parks, and drinking our cerebrospinal fluid while we sleep.”
He frowned. “Do you really trust her, though?”
“Sure. She has several very honest faces.”
He flipped through a campaign brochure. “Maybe I’ll vote third party. This gelatinous slug from Dimension #447 seems pretty good. I like it’s free slime policy. I have been spending a lot on slime lately.”
“Sure, you could do that,” Amy said. “But the slug wants to disband the Space Operatives, just because we failed 70% of our missions last year.”
He rolled his eyes. “If apocalypses were baseballs, we’d actually be doing pretty great.”
Episode 203: The Procrastinator
Amy came to Captain Eric’s quarters to explain the delay in her research project. As she stepped inside, she noticed a large Avian man with orange feathers standing perfectly still in the corner. “Um… Who’s that?”
“Space pirate,” Captain Eric said, yawning.
“A space pirate?” she gasped. “Quick, grab your ray gun!”
He laughed. “Relax, I already shot him with that procrastination gun you made.”
She frowned. “It’s called a pause ray. I made it so you could avoid violence, not so you could just leave enemies lying around and forget about them!”
“I didn’t forget!” Eric grumbled.
She ran a finger across the pirate’s forehead. “Oh really? He’s dusty!”
He shrugged. “So I’ve been busy.”
“You know he’s conscious, right? He can see everything that goes on in your quarters. Including your dates with a certain Reptilian woman.”
He scratched his chin. “Well, that explains his horrified facial expression.” He tossed his jacket over the pirate’s head. “There, problem solved.”
She jabbed a finger at his chest. “Take him to the brig and unpause him! He probably has to pee.”
“Alright, fine. I’ll get a dolly. But you’re buying me a new coat rack.”
Episode 204: The Complaint
Captain Eric and Amy were in line to file a complaint with the starship’s HR department. The head of HR, a horrible, tentacled abomination named Brenda, looked even more annoyed than usual. “Next!”
Lt. Floyd stepped up. “My cabin is infested with brain parasites!” he yelped.
“And you want to be moved?” Brenda asked.
His expression suddenly went blank. “Negative,” he said flatly. “Everything is fine. I am a normal Human.”
Brenda pushed him aside. “Great, glad to hear it. Next!”
Koby the intern stepped up. “I’m stuck in a time loop! I’ve been repeating the same day for centuries and nobody will help me!”
“I’m not approving any overtime,” Brenda said. “Next!”
Lt. Defrag’s turn. “No one respects me because I’m an android. People laugh at me, put refrigerator magnets on my face, unplug my charging cord to run their margarita machine…”
“Software issue. Talk to IT. Next!”
Amy stepped forward. “You forgot my birthday last week,” she said.
Brenda gasped. “I’ll have the cafeteria whip up a cake!” She slithered off down the corridor.
“That’s fine!” Captain Eric called. “I’ll just figure out my health plan later, shall I? Heart medication is overrated!”
Episode 205: The Training
Captain Eric brought Koby the intern a spacesuit. “HR says I can’t just use trainees to bring me coffee or be my footstool. I actually have to train you. So lesson one of being a Space Operative is how to do a spacewalk.”
Koby’s eyes widened. “Yes! Finally!” Eric helped him get the suit on, then brought him to the airlock.
Koby stepped outside the ship, floating into space. Eric’s voice came over his helmet radio. “Lesson two: enemies can be anywhere, so trust no one.”
Koby watched as the ship pulled away, disappearing into the black. “Do I still get college credit for this?”
Episode 206: The Drama
Captain Eric and Amy went to the ship’s holo room. “I’ve got a new simulation I want to try out. It’s a historical drama.” The air shimmered, and they found themselves in a castle throne room. Amy was an armored knight, and Eric was dressed as a queen in a long, purple gown.
She giggled. “Why did you program this?”
“I didn’t!” he insisted. “It’s a bug. I’m supposed to be the knight. Computer, swap our outfits!” The air shimmered again, and her armor was replaced with a tunic and trousers. He was now in a lacy nightgown.
She burst out laughing, tears running down her face.
He groaned. “I’m playing Sir Eric, not her! Computer, I don’t want to wear this!” The air shimmered once more. He was now completely nude. He gasped, ducking behind the throne. “That’s not what I meant!”
She blushed. “How does the computer know what you look like naked?”
“It doesn’t,” he said. “It just stopped generating my clothes.”
Her eyes widened. “You were wearing simulated clothes the whole time? All day? Even at meetings?”
“I hate doing laundry!”
“You sat on my chair!” she grumbled. “Holo clothes or not, you can’t just be naked! Computer, simulate Brenda from HR.”
Episode 207: The Study
Captain Eric and Amy were in the royal palace on Eukary IX, heading for a meeting. “We need the king’s permission to study the local plant life,” Amy said. “Please show some decorum and don’t screw this up for me.”
He nodded. “The Plantoids and I haven’t always gotten along, but I’ve turned over a new leaf.”
“That’s what I’m talking about!” she said, sighing.
He put up his hands. “Don’t worry, I’m an experienced diplomat. Did you bring the king a gift? I haven’t botany. Maybe we should bring gifts for the family, too. Do you think Ol’ Shrub Head will bring his wife orchids?”
She waved at the crowded hall. “Someone will overhear! You’ll get us in trouble!”
He laughed. “What are some plant people going to do? Call the crops?”
She pulled him to the side. “Are you done yet or do I have to smack you?”
“Okay, sorry! No more jokes.“
They headed to the throne room where the king and his advisers were waiting.
Captain Eric shook the king’s hand. “The palace has such wonderful landscaping,” he said. “The plant outside your window there has beautiful cantaloupes.”
The king growled. “That’s the queen.”
Amy’s eyes went wide. “So nice to see you again. We must be going now. Have a great harvest!”
Episode 208: The Rules
Captain Eric punched the wall. “We can’t let the Reptilians take over the galaxy! We have to go back and re-fight the war!”
Amy shook her head. “The General said to quit traveling through time. Every change has unforeseen consequences. Remember when weekends were three days long?” She sighed. “I miss those long Aphrodays, just staying in my room and enjoying myself.”
He frowned. “I’m tired of all his rules. What if you go back and seduce his dad so he’s never born?”
“Then I would be the General’s mom,” she said, folding her arms, “and I would have Genny fire you for asking me to go on time-hopping sex romps.”
“Fine, I’ll have Koby the intern do it.”
Episode 209: The Boiling Man
Captain Eric and Amy were trudging through the ice and snow on Glazbok V. They had hired Choff, a fur-covered local woman to guide them. “How do you know which way the Boiling Man is going?” he asked.
Choff smiled smugly. “I am a powerful psychic. I am tracking his aura.”
Amy laughed. “No you aren’t.”
Eric shrugged. “We’ve met werewolves and space gods, and been to an infinite library outside of time, but auras are where you draw the line?”
“You don’t need psychic powers to track a heat monster in a blizzard.” She pointed at a row of melted footprints.
“Good point,” he said. “We may be overpaying her.”
A cloud of steam was rising in the distance. Water pooled around their feet. The Boiling Man was near. They drew their guns and raced ahead. They saw a huge creature surrounded by a sickly green glow, the snow and ice melting around it.
“He is evil incarnate,” Choff said. “I can see by his aura.”
Amy gasped. “That’s radiation.”
“Radiation?” Choff groaned. “This is going to ruin tourism.”
Eric fired his ray gun and watched the creature fall. “Good point. Remind me to cancel my reservation at the Uranium Hot Springs Spa.”
Episode 210: The Cloak
Captain Eric called Amy into his office. “The General wants you to design a cloaking device to make our spaceships invisible to thermal scans. It’s the key to defeating the Reptilians and winning the Cold Blooded War.”
She shrugged. “You can be invisible or be alive. Which would you prefer?”
“Are… are those my only two options?”
She folded her arms. “Assuming there aren’t any major changes to the laws of physics, yup.”
“Pretend I’m not a physician and explain it.”
She sighed. “Thermal scans pick up waste heat from spaceships. The engines, life support, antimatter power, people… Everything makes heat that leaks through the hull and out into space.”
“Sure,” he said. “What’s the problem? Just stop it from doing that.”
She tossed up her hands. “If the heat doesn’t escape, the ship goes from 22° C to 75° C pretty damn quick.” She took out a pen and jotted an equation on his desk. “Taking into account the size of the ship and the waste heat generated, I can make us invisible for roughly… nine minutes before boiling everyone alive.”
He nodded. “Okay, great! So you’re in charge of the invisibility cloak and changing the laws of physics, and I’m in charge of turning up the air conditioning. Great meeting! Go team!”
Episode 211: The Tummy
Amy found Captain Eric standing by the airlock, staring down at his helmet and looking morose. “I thought you had a spy mission on this moon,” she said.
“Yeah, but… Looks like I put on some holiday weight. Spacesuit doesn’t fit.”
She giggled. “Don’t worry, I have the perfect solution. How about a corset? I’ll even lace it up for you.”
He sighed. “Just make sure it isn’t too girly.”
“Oh, of course.” She nodded. “Only macho lingerie for you. And you don’t even have to pretend to be Elizabeth Bennet getting ready to go to a dance with Mr. Darcy.”
He blushed. “But… but I can if I want, right?”
“Of course. Now come with me. I’ll find you my most tactical spy corset. It even has a hidden pocket you can use for throwing knives. Or a lace handkerchief. Your choice.”
Episode 212: The Stowaway
The strange creature had sneaked onto the spaceship several days ago. It was a silent, unctuous mass that continuously changed shape.
“I’ve tried 6,000 different languages,” Amy said. “No response. Communication may be impossible.”
Captain Eric nodded. “What about dance?”
She laughed. “What, like bees?”
“It’s been moving the whole time. Maybe that’s how it communicates?” He stepped over to a wall panel and put on some slapjam music. “Go for it.”
She blushed. “Me? Why me?”
“You’re the scientist. And you took dance in school.”
“Jazz tap, not waggle dance! I’m an engineer, not an ethologist.”
He just waved at her to go ahead. With a sigh, she did her best to tap dance in her heavy, magnetic boots.
The creature stirred. It elongated, shifting from an octopus shape to something like a greasy palm tree. It jumped up, wrapping around her shoulders like a slimy scarf and purring.
He laughed. “I think you may have just proposed marriage.”
“How do I tell it to let me go?” she groaned.
“I’ll give it a shot,” he said. “Be right back. I just need to change into my leotard.”
Episode 213: The Slime
Captain Eric and Amy cornered the slime monster. It growled, raising a green pseudopod. Eric drew his gun. “Time to destroy the worst monster on… What’s this planet again?”
Amy sighed. “Moyste.”
“Really? Gross.” He fired the silica gel blaster and watched the monster congeal.
Amy nodded. “Looks like my invention works perfectly! But if the weather gets warmer, he’ll melt and go right back to eating people again.”
Eric scratched his head. “Let’s put him in the ship’s refrigerator. That’ll keep him nice and firm… Ugh. Grossed myself out that time.”
The next day, Amy walked down to the starship’s cafeteria and found Captain Eric standing in line. A large sign read “Today’s Dessert: Green Jelly.”
He blanched. “Did you label the slime creature?”
“No… I’m guessing you forgot, too.”
“Yeah… I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.”
“Deal.”
Episode 214: The Paint
Captain Eric was at a bar with Zeta, a Gray alien. “When did the Grays arrive on Earth? Was that thing in 1947 your first time here?”
“No, we came in the tenth century. We show up whenever a species invents rockets. It’s so funny to watch your dumb fart tubes.”
Eric harrumphed. “How do your UFOs fly, then?”
“You know how some species have telekinesis? Gandorians can just point at something and make it float.”
Eric nodded. “Sure, but TK isn’t strong enough to float a whole ship.”
“No, but you can make anti-gravity paint just by taking a bunch of psychic aliens and smushing them into a fine paste.”
Eric blanched. “W-what?”
“Don’t look so shocked.” Zeta laughed. “We only do it to volunteers.”
“Who the hell would volunteer to be smushed?”
Zeta shrugged. “Psychics also read minds. If you knew exactly what everyone thought about you, how long would you want to stick around?”
“I guess that makes sense.” Eric scratched his chin. “You like me, right?”
“…Sure.”
Episode 215: The Rocket
Captain Eric watched out the space station window as a rocket pulled up to dock. “Can you believe people still fly those things?” he laughed. “Why not just take a horse and buggy?”
Amy smirked. “Yes, it’s outdated tech. Tell me, Mr. Starship Expert, what does our ship use instead?”
“A… um… quantum… nexus?”
“That’s not a thing,” she said.
He frowned, scratching his chin. “An anti… Matterhorn… engine?”
“Our ship flies through space using the power of the Swiss mountains?”
He harrumphed. “No, obviously not. It’s, ah, solar sails! It’s a sailing ship! That’s why we need an anchor.”
She raised an eyebrow. “An anchor? In space?”
“Exactly!” he said. “When we got to the space station, I pushed the blue button on the left to drop the anchor.”
She tossed up her hands. “That opens the cargo hold door! I just sent Koby the intern down there to sweep it out!”
He shrugged. “Oh good, so we didn’t lose anything important.”
Episode 216: The Quarters
Amy gave Ensign Higgs a tour of the starship, and then showed him to his quarters. “You’re new here,” she said, “so it’s a modest room.”
“Actually, it’s quite nice,” Higgs said.
A wall panel lit up. “Oh, I’m nothing special,” the room said. “I’ve seen nicer rooms in a dog house. My bed is lumpy, and my table is uneven. I don’t even have carpet. You’d probably be more comfortable living in a chicken coop.”
Amy sighed. “Call me if it starts crying again.”
Episode 217: The Sonic
Captain Eric made a surprise visit to Amy’s lab. “How’s the new project?”
“It’s a nonlethal weapon,” Amy said, placing a gun on her desk. “The sonic pulses target the enemy’s resonant frequency, vibrating their body.” He raised an eyebrow. “Some weapon. That just sounds fun.”
“It’s supposed to be like airplane turbulence. The vibration is supposed to shake people so much they can’t keep fighting. But the frequency adjuster doesn’t work. Instead of targeting the whole body, it seems to mostly affect one internal organ.”
“What, the heart? Lungs?”
She blushed. “No, the bladder.”
He laughed. “It vibrates people’s bladders? So they…”
“Yeah.”
He shook his head, chuckling. “Wait, is that why you’ve been behind your desk this whole time?”
She tossed up her hands. “I thought the safety was on!”
“I’ll go so you can change. Need me to get you anything? Clean uniform? Training pants?”
She sighed. “Just my memory eraser gun, thanks.”
