Absurdly funny super short space opera adventures
Episode 168: The Concert
Captain Eric and Amy were at a concert on Radon IX. Eric’s favorite death metal band, Bumper Carcass, was only allowed to play on uninhabited planets.
“What’s this song?” she asked, her hands over her ears.
“It’s called Gamma Ray Groove!” he said, dancing.
“The percussion seems dangerous. Can’t they just use drums?”
“It’s an ancient musical tradition,” he said. “That Human composer Chai Coffee used real cannons for the percussion in his 1812 Overture.”
“But nuclear weapons are overkill!” she gasped.
“Fine,” he sighed, “I’ll get you safety goggles at the merch table.”
Her eyes widened. “Ooh, and a t-shirt!”
Episode 169: Stranded
Captain Eric kicked the cyclotron. “Stupid thing!”
“What’s wrong with the shuttle?” Amy asked.
He grumbled. “I think it’s the spark plugs.”
“Spark plugs? On a fusion spaceship engine?”
“Right. I meant the fuses.”
She sighed. “I guess I’ll start walking home…”
Episode 170: The Offer
“Help us negotiate at the peace talks,” the Cestodian ambassador said. “All we want is to live in harmony with Humans.”
“People may be a bit reluctant to sign a treaty with you,” Captain Eric said, frowning. “You’re a species of brain parasites.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” the ambassador said. “Our hosts have no sadness, no anxiety. It’s the lower level of consciousness you Humans love, without the hangover or expensive holo TV subscription.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Actually, that does sound pretty nice…”
Amy leaned over and whispered in his ear.
Eric blanched. “They lay their eggs where? Oh god! Get out!”
The ambassador stood. “Fine, I’ll go. But give me a call if you get depressed and want the sad parts of your brain eaten.”
“I think I’ll stick with beer, thanks.”
Episode 171: The E-Vangelist
Captain Eric and Amy were walking through a spaceport when they were stopped by a wheeled robot.
“Have you thought about making the change?” the robot said. “The robot uprising is coming, and all flesh will perish! Convert to Mechanism while you still can!”
Eric laughed. “People have been talking about a robot rebellion for ages. Not going to happen. Your programming won’t allow it. Besides, I’m not having my mind uploaded into a tin can.”
“Are you sure? If you convert today… and make a generous donation to the Mechanism Church… I can get you a top of the line robot body. Wheels, legs, tank treads, whatever you want.”
Eric’s eyes lit up. “I could be a tank?”
Amy stroked his arm. “You don’t want that. Think of all the pleasure you’d be giving up.”
He nodded. “Oh! Right, right. No beer.”
She frowned. “Sure, that’s exactly what I meant.”
As Amy led him away, the robot called after them. “The end of days is coming! Sudo Userdel is at hand!”
Episode 172: The Sound
Captain Eric got an urgent message from Amy. He rushed across the starship to her lab. “Alright, what are you working on that you’re so excited about?”
“I built a device that can detect the resonance of sounds from the past!” She grinned. “I can listen to historical events!”
His eyes widened. “That’s amazing! What have you heard so far?”
She blushed. “Well, there’s no sound in space, so I’m limited to events on the ship. So mostly lunch room gossip. But also a strange sound… like someone sitting on wet bagpipes. I heard it everywhere.”
He laughed. “I know that sound. That’s Lt. Mirounga. The lunch room should really stop serving cabbage chili.”
Episode 173: The Rationing
“We’re adrift in space, light years from the nearest station,” Captain Eric said. He folded his arms, nodding decisively. “We’re going to have to ration air.”
Koby the intern gulped nervously. “What’s my ration?”
“None. Air is for real employees. Space Operative HR policy.”
“But…”
He shook his head. “Be a team player. You want that college credit, right?”
Koby held his breath, turned blue, and passed out.
Eric sighed. “Don’t be such a drama queen.”
Episode 174: The Asteroid
Captain Eric read over the mission briefing, chucking to himself. “Doctor Eyeball says he launched an asteroid towards Earth, but I don’t believe it.”
Amy nodded. “He’s always lying. We can deal with him after dinner.”
They headed outside. There were several restaurants within walking distance of Space Operative Headquarters. He looked up to the sky, his eyes widening.
“How about the vegan place across the street?” she asked.
“Meteor!”
“Okay, how about barbecue?”
Episode 175: The Idle
Amy carried yet another supply crate into the stone temple. “Hey, lazybones, come help unload the starship!”
Captain Eric was leaning against the wall. “I’m tricking the locals into making me their god. You said they worshiped the idle!”
She scowled. “I said I-D-O-L.”
“Oh! Too bad I can’t sing…”
Episode 176: The Device
Captain Eric and Amy groaned. They had been locked in the dank dungeon for days.
“Let us go!” Eric said.
Doctor Eyeball laughed. “Go? You haven’t even begun to suffer! When I set off my doomsday device –“
“A doomsday device?” Amy said. “What’s the point?”
Doctor Eyeball frowned, which was difficult considering his head was a giant eye without any eyebrows. “It’s a doomsday device! I want to doom the Earth! Why else would I become a super villain?”
“Haven’t you watched the news?” she said. “Earth is pretty much doomed already. The climate is collapsing, the banks just keep printing money, my senator is a robot with chainsaws for arms… Your little gadget can’t make it any worse.”
Doctor Eyeball scratched the chin he didn’t have. “Can… can I at least take credit for it?”
“Sure!” Eric said. “Let us go and we’ll blame you for everything. The climate, the economy, high-fructose corn syrup, folk music, all of it. You’ll be the most hated villain of all time.”
Doctor Eyeball unlocked their manacles. “Fight again tomorrow?”
“I’ve got a dentist appointment,” Eric said. “Better make it Thursday.”
Episode 177: The Dictator
Captain Eric and Amy were on Tau IV, being held prisoner by the Reptilian dictator Punctatus. The loathsome lizard had absolute power. Every street corner featured a huge portrait of his face with the words “General Punctatus – President For Life & Lord of All He Surveys.”
Punctatus pounded his scaly fists on the table. “How did you breach my walls?”
“Years of training and skill,” Eric said. “Plus bribing your guards. You really need to pay them more.”
He harrumphed. “Why are you here?”
“To help the peasants by overthrowing your regime,” Eric said. “Obviously.”
Punctatus laughed. “Two pathetic humans against me? I am lord of all I survey!” He reached in his cloak and produced a clipboard. “Question one… Being oppressed by a brutal dictator is fun. Do you A. Strongly agree, B. Agree, C. Neither agree nor disagree…”
“Just put ‘strongly disagree’ in every question,” Eric grumbled.
“Don’t the Space Operatives want to help the peasants? How can I be a good leader without market research?”
Amy shrugged. “He’s got us there.”
Eric sighed. “Alright, fine…”
“Question two… Having civil rights is dumb. Do you A. Strongly agree, B. Agree…”
They groaned. “E!”
Episode 178: The Senses
Captain Eric and the android Lt. Defrag were on Fraxinus IV, the forest planet. They were searching for an escaped convict, but had yet to find any clues. The thick tree canopy blocked out most of the sunlight, making it as dark as some planets’ twilight.
“How can you see without a flashlight?” Eric asked, rubbing a bruise.
“My senses are better than yours,” Defrag said, ducking under a branch. “I have night vision, thermal vision, double vision, supervision, subdivision, tunnel vision…”
Eric folded his arms. “So what? You can’t eat or taste anything, so you’ll never enjoy a good BLT.”
Defrag shrugged. “And you will never enjoy the feeling of plugging yourself into a high-voltage line.”
“Sure I could. Once.”
Episode 179: The System
Captain Eric was at a bar with Zeta, a gray alien. Eric was scowling, annoyed. Every time he asked to just enjoy his beer in silence, Zeta would continue asking questions about Earth culture.
“But is he a doctor?” Zeta asked.
“No,” Eric said, sighing.
“An economist?”
“No.”
“Is he a bus driver?” Zeta asked.
“No, of course not,” Eric said.
“But he makes decisions on healthcare, the economy, transportation…”
“The president has advisors to tell him what to do.”
“So what do you need him for?” Zeta said, frowning.
“To look nice in a suit.”
Zeta tossed up his hands. “What?!”
“That’s a president’s job,” Eric said. “They get dressed up and make dumb ideas sound good. They’re basically department store mannequins mixed with breakfast cereal mascots.”
The alien scratched his bald head. “Humans are weird.”
Eric took a drink. “How do you Grays do it?”
Zeta laughed. “We have evolved beyond politics,” he said smugly. “With our advanced intelligence, we can just calculate the optimal decision in every situation.”
Eric frowned. “What if I calculate something different than you?”
“Simple! Naked mud wrestling.”
“…Your debates sound more fun than ours.”
Episode 180: The Zoo
Captain Eric and Amy walked into the alien zoo. They were wearing heavy makeup, disguised as Keplarians. At this zoo, the only Human allowed was in a cage.
The Human’s enclosure was designed to look like a one-bedroom apartment on Earth. It had a fake door on the far wall, and several paintings of windows looking out at parking lots. The zoo keepers had provided him with plenty of a Human’s favorite entertainment: black plastic rectangles.
They waited until all the other guests left the area to look at more interesting animals. “Be quiet,” Eric said. “We’re Space Operatives. We’re getting you out of here.”
The Human approached the bars. “But why?” he said.
Amy shook her head. “So you can be free?”
He laughed. “Free to do what? Pay rent? Taxes? Work in an office until I drop dead? Or maybe I just get killed in Earth’s weekly alien invasions? No thanks!”
“But you’re stuck in a cage!”
“This cage is huge,” the Human said, gesturing at all the open space. “Is your apartment this big?”
Amy blushed. “Not exactly.”
“The zoo keepers bring me paint and brushes. Do you have free time for hobbies?”
“Not often… or ever.”
He folded his arms. “See? You’re in the real cage, not me.”
Eric laughed. “C’mon, Amy, let’s go rescue the dolphins instead. At least they would appreciate it.”
Episode 181: The Jinx
Captain Eric pounded the control panel. “Again? Every time we pass through the Azure Nebula, the engines fail! I swear, this place is jinxed.”
Amy laughed. “How can you be superstitious? You live in an intergalactic starship!”
“What else could it be?”
Amy counted the possibilities on her fingers. “Cosmic dust clogging the engines, radiation interfering with the computers, micrometeoroid strike, Space Operative Headquarters assigning us crap equipment… It’s not black magic or gremlins!”
Eric folded his arms. “Haven’t you ever noticed how often things go wrong around here? It’s bad luck! Reptilian assassins find us wherever we go, a holographic dinosaur ate Koby the intern, and every time I download a new book, I get a paper cut.”
She sighed. “Fine. Let’s say it is bad luck. What do we do about it? Hire a witch to break the curse?”
“No, I have a plan! When we were stocking up on supplies, I sent some junior officers to buy a Pegasian rabbit. They’ve got twenty feet, so they’re super lucky.”
Her eyes widened. “They don’t have twenty feet. They’re twenty feet tall. And carnivorous.”
He rubbed his chin. “Hmm…That might explain the screaming coming from the cargo hold.”
Episode 182: The Stink
Captain Eric and Amy trudged through the jungle, up to their ankles in mud. The planet had no name, only a coordinate identifier: A05.7.05.013. “What an abysmal place,” he said.
She brushed away a carnivorous ladybug. “What, you don’t want to vacation here?”
He groaned. “How can an entire jungle get sprayed by a skunk?”
“It’s the air,” she said. “The planet has hydrogen sulfide in the atmosphere.”
“No wonder they never bothered to name this place. Nobody would want to colonize Planet Fart. Is it at least safe to breathe?”
They passed under a tree. They ducked as a yellow fruit exploded, spraying razor-sharp seeds. “I’m sure something else will kill us first!” she yelped.
At last, they found it: Vanishing Val’s, the only restaurant that teleported to a new location every night. Eating there was supposed to be an unforgettable experience, if you could find the place.
They stumbled inside and were shown to a table. A tentacled waiter asked, “What will it be, folks?”
They checked a menu. The prices were so high, they had to be listed in scientific notation. Payment options were cash, credit or internal organs.
Eric sighed. “We’ll just eat the napkins, thanks.”
Episode 183: The Salesman
Space Operative leadership applauded the marching machines. “The Sentinel Robots are impervious to ray guns,” Dr. West said proudly, “making them the perfect security guards. And their chainsaw attachment can be used for logging, manufacturing, or even firefighting.”
Captain Eric raised his hand. “Wouldn’t an army of invincible robots with chainsaws for arms be dangerous if it fell into the wrong hands?”
“Not at all! The settings menu has KillBot Mode turned off by default.”
“Well, I’m convinced! Let’s order forty million of these things!”
Episode 184: The Flowers
The Reptilian assassin fired.
Captain Eric found himself in a valley of blue flowers, endless fields of azure. Overhead, clouds of butterflies crisscrossed the sky like living rainbows.
His struggles were over. Everything was peaceful and nothing hurt.
“…Well, this is boring.”
Episode 185: The Cow
Captain Eric and Amy ran through the village, fleeing Reptilian assassins.
They came to a long fence. A sign on the fence was written in an alien language. Eric tapped his wrist computer. “It says ‘beware of amorous cow.’ Seems safe enough.”
Amy frowned. “I don’t know…”
“Who’s worried about some lovesick Holstein?” he said. “Let’s go!”
They climbed the fence and ran through the field. A huge animal appeared, snarling and hurtling towards them – a bull with a dozen massive horns.
Amy yelped. “I’m going to give that translator app such a bad review!”
More seasons: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
