Absurdly funny super short space opera adventures
Episode 147: The Truce
After years of fighting, Humans and Reptilians finally agreed to a truce.
Lord Ch’kall smiled. “This war was so silly! What were we even fighting about?”
“You ate my dad,” Captain Eric said.
“If you don’t want people eating your food, just write your name on it!”
Episode 148: The Horror
Captain Eric and Lt. Defrag were hunkered down in the ship, guns drawn.
“It’s a cosmic horror!” Eric said. “Cover your ears!”
“My mind has already fractured!” the android gasped. “I’m done for!”
Amy put down the microphone, scowling. “If you don’t like karaoke night, just don’t come!”
Episode 149: The Test
Captain Eric trudged off to the space operative shooting range, the General right behind him.
“I’m just here to critique,” the General said. “The Board wants proof that you can take down a target in a single shot. Some of your enemies end up like Swiss cheese.”
Eric drew his ray gun and switched it to “wide mode.” He fired. The beam spread, hitting every target at once, and disintegrating the wall behind them. “How’s that for one shot?”
“I’ll be sure my report mentions that 80% of the building was left standing…”
“So we’ll call that a B minus?”
Episode 150: The Body
Captain Eric and Amy were came across a crumpled body in the starship’s engine room. His skin was bone white.
“Looks like we’ve got a space vampire,” Eric said. “You know, like a vampire, but in space. Who do you think it is? Gary? Matt? Andy? Count Hemoglobin?”
Amy frowned. “Hmm… I’ll have to run some tests.”
Episode 151: The Chip
Captain Eric and Lt. Defrag were in the ship’s lounge, relaxing.
“Amy is designing an emotions chip,” Eric said. “You could get happiness hardwired into your brain!”
“Is that why people come here to drink?” the android asked. “To celebrate your emotions making you so happy?”
“…Shut up.”
Episode 152: The Contest
Captain Eric was in the ship’s lounge, fighting the urge to punch Cadet Cercus. The furry alien had a problem with authority, and Eric was sick of it.
“Alright, let’s settle this!” Eric slurred, already tipsy. “Drinking contest! Loser follows the other’s orders for a month!”
“Eric!” Amy gasped. “You’re already sloshed, and he’s a Scandentian. His species can’t even get drunk.”
“It’s the only way he’ll follow orders,” Eric said. “It’s either this or some other officer will send the little jerk to the brig.”
Eric turned to Cercus. “Here’s the rules: Match me shot for shot! Whoever drinks the longest wins.”
“Agreed!” the cadet laughed. “You’re going down! Idiot.”
“I’m drinking Besotted Bazillionaire,” Eric said. “It’s a bit expensive, but as a famous starship captain, I can afford a whole bottle. I know you won’t give up easily, even though one shot of this stuff costs double a cadet’s salary…”
Cerus groaned, raising his paws in surrender. “Ugh! You win!”
Episode 153: The Simulation
Captain Eric slipped away from the bridge, a furtive look in his eye. He sneaked down the hall to the simulation room.
“He’s doing it again?” Amy thought. “I bet he’s simulating a strip club, or fallen in love with a simulated girlfriend. I’m going to go tease him…”
She entered his passcode in the door and stepped inside. Surprisingly, the simulation was of a bedroom full of toys and stuffed animals. “What is all this?”
Eric blushed. “Running a starship is stressful, okay?”
She nodded. “Being lead scientist is stressful, too. Hand me that bunny.”
Episode 154: The Gun
Captain Eric went to Amy’s lab to see her new invention. “It’s a heat gun!” she said. “You can burn holes in anything!”
He frowned. “But I already have a laser gun. It burns holes, too. What’s the difference?”
“This one is more burnier… more hot heated… hot sauce… Look, just use it. I need the grant money.”
Episode 155: The Squinting
Captain Eric went to Amy’s lab to see her new invention.
She gestured dramatically to a small, black box on the table. “It’s a Suspicion Generator!”
He raised an eyebrow. “…What’s it for?”
“It’s to make rioters distrust each other so they disperse.” She squinted. “…Why do you want to know?”
He returned her squint. “I just want to know why you’re preparing for a riot. What are you planning?”
The green light on the box was still flashing. “Oh, I forgot to switch it off.”
His eyes widened. “Or did Koby the intern sneak in and switch it back on??”
She grabbed a baseball bat. “Let’s get him.”
Episode 156: The Calendar
Captain Eric and Amy were on Lazoo IX to rescue some defecting scientists.
“The laws are nuts here,” Eric said. “A tourist was jaywalking, and a robot cop excogitated him. Cut his head right off!”
Amy nodded. “Did you try that word of the day calendar yet?”
“Eh, I skim it.”
Episode 157: The Spy
As the invisibility pulls wore off, Captain Eric limped back to the ship, naked, battered, and bruised. “Your pills didn’t work! The Reptilians knew I was there!”
“Don’t wear sunglasses!” Amy snapped.
“What’s the point of being a dashing space hero if you can’t look cool?”
Episode 158: The DoomBot
A car tumbled through the air and smashed into the skyscraper. A woman ran past the sidewalk cafe and hollered “One of Doctor Eyeball’s giant robots are attacking!”
“Thank you for apprising me of the situation!” Captain Eric said, rolling his eyes. “I know it’s there. I’ll get to it after brunch.”
Amy looked over at the looming disaster. “Maybe we should go now.”
“Did you see the price of these eggs? I’m going to finish them!”
Episode 159: The Pizza
Captain Eric discovered Amy in the kitchen, pouring rubbing alcohol on a huge pile of pizza.
“What are you doing?” he said, eyes wide.
“Remember when I told you about quintessence?” she said.
“Um… yes?”
“Dark energy! The thing behind the expansion of the universe!”
“Oh, right, that. What about it?”
“I invented a way to use quintessence to repel the space behind a ship. It’s endless free fuel.”
He gasped. “Oh my god! You’ll be richer than Burger Clown!”
She shook her head. “I work for Space Operatives, remember? They own my research.”
“What does this have to do with pizza?” he asked.
“The General said they would make trillions from my work on quintessence propulsion, so he was giving me a big reward… free lunch for the science team.” She growled. “So now I’m committing pizza arson.”
“Here, use my lighter.”
Episode 160: The Ability
Captain Eric looked over the new Space Operative recruits. “Some of these species can turn invisible, or breathe fire, or even control time. Hard not to be jealous!”
Amy nodded. “But Humans have innate creativity!”
He shrugged. “Great, next time Reptilians attack, I’ll just art them to death.”
Episode 161: The Cathedral
Captain Eric and Amy landed on a small, unnamed moon and were surprised to discover a cathedral. They went inside and met a green-skinned woman in priestly robes.
“Are you here to atone?” the priestess asked. “You can find forgiveness in the arms of the gods!”
“Come be dissolved of your sins,” the priestess said.
“Surely you mean absolved,” Amy said.
The priestess pointed to a sign: This Way To Sulfuric Acid Baths.
“No thanks,” Amy said. “My sins aren’t that bad. I’m pretty sure they just require a good exfoliating brush.”
Eric grabbed Amy’s arm. “Let’s get out of here before she decides to baptize us. This moon has active volcanoes.”
“Good idea,” Amy said. “I should go visit my parents. All their church requires is singing and brunch. Compared to acid, Mom’s runny eggs aren’t that bad.”
Episode 162: The Score
Amy rushed onto the bridge. “The Ch’Tarl are trying to conquer the galaxy!”
Captain Eric laughed. “How? There’s like six of them and they don’t even have ships!”
“They made a website with a Biggest Surrender Leader Board. Mars has the high score.”
Eric scratched his chin. “Not for long! I bet Earth is worth twice their points…”
Episode 163: The Sams
Captain Eric addressed the crowd of Sams. “Rush that pillbox and overwhelm their defenses! Or attack until they run out of ray gun batteries! Either way is fine with me!”
A Sam raised his hand. “Do clones have souls?”
Eric laughed. “Not anymore you don’t. We fixed that.”
“You… fixed that?”
Eric nodded. “We turn that gene off. So in a moment, you just won’t exist.”
“But why?!”
“It’s for the best, trust me. The clone afterlife is weird. A sheep god? Really?”
Another Sam raised his hand. “I like sheep. Any afterlife sounds nice.”
“It’s too late now,” Amy said. “I can’t just turn the soul gene on. Not in the budget.”
Grumbling, the Sams trudged off towards the pillbox. “I hate this job,” a Sam said. “I wanted to be a painter.”
Eric sighed. “Honestly, you can’t get good cannon fodder these days.”
Episode 164: The Motivator
Captain Eric and Amy were being given a tour of a new office complex on Poggo IX. The building wasn’t nearly as impressive as the people. Everyone they saw had a wide smile that never left their face.
Amy noticed that all the workers had on some kind of plastic headband. “What is that they’re wearing? Is it like a security badge?”
“That’s the Motivator,” the tour guide said. “Office work is a bit dull, so it makes sure the workers remain focused and happy!”
“Let me guess,” Eric said. “Electroshock? They take a moment to relax, and zap?”
The guide laughed. “Oh no no! Nothing like that. It’s a simple dopamine boost. The headband uses magnetic waves to stimulate the brain so the workers always feel motivated and rewarded.”
Amy frowned. “A pay raise does that, too.”
The guide shook his head. “Money doesn’t make people forget they’re stuck in a windowless cubicle. People grow up being told they can be anything – rock stars, artists, inventors. The Motivator helps them focus on work that’s a little more… realistic. People think they have to be creative or build something to feel fulfilled, but it turns out that personal fulfillment is just a switch in the brain. Loving what you do isn’t necessary. Not anymore. You can feel just as rewarded filling out paperwork or staring at a wall.”
“This feels evil,” Eric said.
“But everyone looks so happy,” Amy said. “So what do we do?”
“I don’t know.”
The tour guide grinned mechanically, as if his face was being pulled into position by fishhooks. “Just keep smiling!”
Episode 165: That Smile
Captain Eric and Amy ran, dodging laser fire. They turned, ducking down an alley. The Caudalian soldiers ran past, their ray guns at the ready.
“I told you, no jokes!” she gasped. “The Caudalians are very sensitive about their species’ resemblance to a… you know… human posterior.”
“I didn’t make any butt jokes!” he insisted. “All I said was, oh, that’s a cheeky grin…”
Episode 166: The Trophy
Captain Eric and Amy left the awards ceremony. He looked at the trophy. “Where can I dump this stupid thing?”
“You should be proud!” she said.
“For winning Best Planet Saver? It’s not like there was any competition! I’m pretty sure Azure IX has only had the one apocalypse.”
Grumbling, he chucked the trophy in a trash can. “Why don’t planets ever show their gratitude with cash? Or romance? In the old days, people rewarded mighty heroes with their daughter’s hand in marriage.”
She tossed up her hands. “Marriage? You said the women here look like trout!”
“Yeah, but not in a bad way…”
Episode 167: The Vacation
The General folded his arms. “Your vacation to Capone IV has been disapproved.”
“But I’ve been planning for months!” Amy said. “Why the change?”
“I heard you’re planning to use the locals for… let’s call it a sociological experiment. We can’t allow Space Operative employees to interfere with their lives.”
She frowned. “It wouldn’t be much of an experiment. I just want to point out how it’s impossible for an alien planet to just coincidentally look exactly like 1920s Chicago, and see how they react!”
He shook his head. “Crime on Capone IV exists in a delicate balance. Businesses are robbed, but the money is earned back through tourism. The gangsters hold themselves back because they don’t want to go to prison. The cops hold themselves back because posing for tourist photos is safer than gunfights. But what happens if everyone suddenly thinks their unlikely culture is all just a bad dream?”
Her eyes widened. “No more caution… It would be a planet-wide war.”
“Exactly.”
She sighed. “Where can I go instead?”
He pulled up some photos. “Why not Albion IX? You’ll like it. It’s a whole planet that looks exactly like fourteenth century England.”
She gasped. “It is? But how? That’s even more impossible than – “
“You can wear a princess outfit.”
“Oh yay!”
More seasons: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
