Stupid Human Creatures!

Urban alley, illustration for urban fantasy story stupid human creatures

An Urban Fantasy Story

The sun was coming up. I had been in the alley all night, hidden between a graffiti-covered wall and a dumpster, hunting for my next victim. Waiting to see who would be the next one to die. And finally, they were coming: the gym rats.

It was about six-fifteen on a chilly autumn morning. Dozens of the human creatures were stopping by Beefcake Gym on their way to work. As they strolled from the parking lot to the gym door, they passed right by my hiding place. Even without the cover of night, no one realized they were being hunted. Everyone was so wrapped up in their own little world, never thinking that, today, that world could end. Humans were such easy prey.

I examined each person as they passed by, watching for the perfect victim. Women in tights were no good. A gym employee in bluejeans and a belt. Nope. A skinny male in orange jogging shorts… and they’re untied! Bingo.

Slipping out of the alley, I slunk behind the thin male and reached up for his waistband. My long fingers were as adept as a pickpocket’s. I was quick, silent, and unexpected. At least, until I fell.
I slid on a wet leaf and tumbled into him, my face smacking him in the rear end. The man jumped away, turning to see what hit him. His face twisted in a mix of horror and confusion. “What are you?” he gasped.

“Shit. … Wait, no. The situation is shit, not me… Ugh! Stupid human creatures!”

The man turned to address the passing crowd.  “Is anyone else seeing this? There’s a… thing… here!” But no one caught his eye. It was like we were both invisible. The crowd of gym rats were too busy looking at their phones or checking out the ass of some female on her way to yoga lessons to notice anything was wrong.

The man gave up on the crowd and turned back to stare down at me. “Are you a goblin or a troll or something? Or, like, some kind of worm-faced garden gnome?”

My cheeks burning, I stood up straight and tried to look impressive. Which is hard to do when you’re a third the height of your prey. “I am a hirudo. I am here to drain you.”

The man furrowed his brow. “What, like a vampire? How are you supposed to reach my neck? You’re the size of a toddler!”

“I don’t drink blood. I was trying to, as you humans say, ‘pants’ you.”

“What the hell for?”

“So you would die of embarrassment! Hirudo are empaths.  We feed on emotions. My favorite taste is humiliation, like the kind human males get when their pants fall down in front of yoga teachers named Becky.”

The man rubbed his chin for a moment. “Well, I can’t say I approve of your nasty pranks, but who am I to stop a hungry person from having a meal? Why don’t you come inside and watch me try to run a mile on the treadmill? That’s usually embarrassing.”

Oh, gods. Not only did this miserable man creature catch me, but now he was offering me pity snacks! Some hunter I was. Pathetic. I turned to go back to the alley. “Actually, I’m full.”

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