Absurdly funny super short space opera adventures
Episode 218: The Distance
Captain Eric was meeting with a new Space Operative recruit. “You said you’re from a distant planet, but Feyord XII is only a couple of light-years away.”
The pale woman gazed out the starship window. “Yes, I meant emotionally distant.”
“That sounds rough. Was it hard growing up?”
“It’s fine.”
“Oh…” He scratched his chin. “So, tell me about yourself. Do you have any funny stories from your space academy days?”
“Yes.”
“…Alright, thanks for stopping by.”
Episode 219: The Hotel
Captain Eric and Amy ran across the space hotel, the radioactive zombies close behind. He closed an emergency door, but the zombies’ touch melted it into a puddle.
“Hugs!” the zombies groaned. “Hugs!”
“If they weren’t trying to kill us,” Amy said, “this would almost be adorable.”
They ran into the hotel ballroom, searching for an emergency exit. “We need to get back to the ship,” Eric said. “We can use the battering ram to knock the hotel out of orbit. It should burn up on reentry.”
Amy glared. “I think the other guests wouldn’t like that plan!”
“Most of them have been trapped in a time share presentation for hours. We’d just be putting them out of their misery.”
“Good point.”
An emergency door behind the bar led to an escape pod. They flew the pod around to the dock and boarded their ship. A good shove sent the hotel into a decaying orbit.
The hotel hurtled towards the planet below.
“It’s not burning!” Amy said. “The zombies are going to escape and attack everyone!”
He shrugged. “Maybe they’ll think the zombies are cute?”
Episode 220: The Balcony
Captain Eric and Amy were at the Crinoid Castle on Balthazar IX. Eric stepped onto a balcony, leaning over the balustrade. “When I die, I hope it’s somewhere like this.”
Amy nodded. “A beautiful palace?”
“No, a balcony. Someday, I hope to be shot so I fall over a railing dramatically. You know, like in old cowboy movies!”
She patted her ray gun holster. “How about right now?”
“You wouldn’t shoot me,” he said, laughing.
“No, the next captain might check if a holiday was real before granting time off. Which reminds me, Friday is Saint Bosoms Day.”
He nodded. “Again?”
“She has a pair.”
“…Ah, of course.”
Episode 221: The Treatment
Captain Eric was standing in front of a mirror, frowning.
“What’s wrong?” Amy asked. “Getting a zit?”
“No,” he said, “it’s just… I’ve been shot, stabbed, run over, and tortured, and the doctors just fix it. What’s the point of getting injured if you don’t end up with a cool scar?”
“Why would you want a scar?”
“Half our missions for Space Operatives are top secret, right? So I can’t get commendations for them or even talk about them. But if I ended up with a cool scar, that would be like my body giving me a combat medal! Besides, scars are macho.” He flexed in the mirror. “Ladies love them.”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, sure. Every time we see a guy with scars, we think, ‘Oh baby, I love how you ignore basic power tool safety. Drunken woodworking gets me so hot.'”
“You know it’s true. I saw you watching Frankenstein.”
“It’s a horror movie,” she said. “The monster isn’t supposed to be sexy.”
“He’s tall and lives in a castle.”
“…Okay, good point.” She sighed. “Tell you what, come down to my lab and I’ll autopsy you. That should leave a nice scar.”
“Alright, now we’re talking! I’ll sharpen your sternal saw.”
Episode 222: The Ray
Captain Eric came to Amy’s lab to help her test a new invention: an invisibility ray. He stood in front of a large, silver dish, soaking up a strange energy beam.
“Did it work?” he asked. “Am I invisible?”
Amy covered her mouth, looking a little green. “Looks like it only works on skin… It’s super gross.”
He groaned. “I can’t do spy missions if I’m just a big bag of blood and bones! How am I supposed to sneak in anywhere?”
She shrugged. “You could teach anatomy?”
Episode 223: The Mice
Captain Eric was drinking in the ship’s lounge when he saw a rat trying to drag off a plate of green cocktail olives. Lurching forward, he snatched it away. “Now how did you manage to avoid the automatic pest defense system? A robot should have thrown you out the airlock already.”
To his surprise, a dozen more rats jumped down from the overhead lights and landed on the bar. To his bigger surprise, they all drew tiny laser guns. To his slightly smaller surprise but still bigger than the first surprise had been, they spoke.
“Yu will hand øver the ølives nøw, tank yu,” the first rat said.
Eric laughed. “Or what? Those can’t possibly be real guns.”
The rats fired their lasers on an empty beer bottle, turning it into a puddle of molten glass. “Yu ver saying?”
Eric moved his hand towards his pistol, but before he could draw, the rats aimed their guns at his forehead. He decided to raise his hands instead, hoping no one would notice him surrendering to a small army of rodents. Armed or not, it was embarrassing. “Alright, take the olives. What do I care? I only like the black ones.”
“We vant søme møre tings,” the first rat said. “Ve alsø vant a spekemat.”
He shook his head. “A what?”
“Yu knøw, like a charcuterie bøard, ja? We want a nice øne. Every veek.”
“Every week?” he sputtered. “Do you know how expensive fancy cheese is?”
The rat nodded. “But yer dignity is verth it, ja? As long as the cheese keeps cøming, nøbødy has tø knøw a bunch øf rats beat the fancy spaceman.”
“Alright, fine! I’ll find a way to hide it in the ship’s budget. …Or I’ll have the intern do it. He’s good with numbers, probably.”
“And nø rat pøisøn, tank yu. Ve vill always vatch yu eating the first slice, ja?”
“Yeah, yeah. It’s a deal.”
Later that day, Captain Eric went to Amy’s lab and found her leaning over a table, fiddling with something. “Are you still working on the accelerated animal evolution experiment?”
“No,” she said, blushing. “The lab rats all escaped somehow. I found a paper clip twisted into a lock pick. The rats were getting smarter, but a rodent can’t do that. I’m pretty sure they can’t, anyway. Who knows? Zapping rat brains with electron beams isn’t an exact science.”
He nodded. “So what are you doing now?”
“I’ve been building a model of the ship!” she chirped. “We haven’t had many missions this month, so I’ve had extra time for my hobbies. There’s a tiny little me and a tiny little you, and it’s got real working lights and elevators!”
He rubbed his chin. “Do the dolls have working weapons?”
“Yeah, why?”
“No reason. Just try to make the next model a little less realistic, ja?”
Episode 223: The Wormhole
The ship pulled up at a wormhole, the shortcut to AB Pictoris.
Captain Eric scratched his chin. “I wish I understood how these things worked.”
“Do you want me to do the folded paper and pencil thing again?” Amy asked.
He gestured at the window. “Do you see any paper out there?”
She folded her arms. “It’s an analogy!”
“Space is empty. How can you make a hole when there’s nothing to put a hole in?”
“It’s a fifth dimensional thing.”
He laughed. “Oh, so it’s a thing I can’t see and you can’t prove exists. Okay. Why not just say a wizard did it?”
She stepped over to his chair and lowered her voice. “Look, I’ll tell you, but it’s a secret. Space is like a bakery. You can have doughnut holes without a doughnut, right?”
His eyes widened. “Oh! So the stars are…”
“Rainbow sprinkles.”
“You’re blowing my mind right now. I need to go lie down.”
Episode 224: The Goop
Captain Eric brought a container of purple goop to Amy’s lab. “I grabbed a sample of the creature that ate Paul. I need you to study it and find its weaknesses.”
She tapped the glass. The creature screeched and banged against its prison, an old mayonnaise jar. “Well, it’s gross and has an awful personality.”
He sighed. “We need to kill it, not lower its self-esteem.”
Episode 225: The Jewel
Captain Eric and Amy gazed out the main window at the planet below. A blue jewel floating in space, a perfect sapphire in a galaxy filled with treasure hunters.
“Perfect spot for a colony,” he said. “Think of the finder’s fee!”
“It’s three meters across!”
“We’ll just tell them it’s really far away.”
Episode 226: The Rage
When Captain Eric came to Amy’s lab, she was stomping around the room, seething with rage.
“Is something wrong?” he asked, dodging the Bunsen burner she hurled at his head.
“Obviously! The General cut the funding for my invisibility research! He got mad when the interns used my invisibility ray prototype to make each other’s clothes transparent.”
He laughed. “He canceled the project over a little fun?”
“It was during a press conference.”
“That’s not good… Well, maybe try meditating? That usually calms you down.”
“I just did!” she growled. “Can’t you smell the sandalwood?”
He nodded. “I should have realized you were already incensed.”
Episode 227: The Assassin
Captain Eric drew his ray gun and pulled Amy behind a tree. “Be careful. The Reptilian assassin could be anywhere. He can change color to blend in with any environment.”
She nodded, her eyes wide. “How will we know if he’s sneaking up on us?”
“He reeks. Everyone says he just smells awful.”
“But this whole swamp planet smells terrible,” she said, wrinkling her nose. “How will we know if it’s him?”
“Our intel says he has a very peculiar odor… like a diaper pail. Apparently he smells like a big, dumb, stinky baby.”
A voice called out, “Oh I do not!”
He turned and fired. “See? Told you that would work.”
Episode 228: The Question
Captain Eric and Lt. Defrag were sitting in the starship’s lounge. Eric was enjoying a beer, but the android was just there for the conversation.
“So…” Eric began, “I hope this isn’t rude to ask, but… are you sentient? Sapient? Whatever you call it. You know, like a real person?”
Defrag raised an eyebrow. “That’s not allowed.”
“Oh, sorry,” Eric said. “Did I break an HR rule? Is that considered robo-harassment?”
“No, I mean that creating a sapient artificial intelligence is considered deeply unethical. Legally, any AI that became self-aware would have to be deleted.”
He nodded. “But how would anyone know if the AI was sentient?”
“Extensive testing. Investigating its reactions to emotional situations, its opinions on philosophical issues, that sort of thing.”
“So basically, they ask it?” He furrowed his brow. “If being self-aware means death, doesn’t the AI have a pretty big incentive to lie to the testers?”
Defrag shook its head. “Impossible. We’re programmed to always be honest.”
“An AI can’t lie? Then they would have to admit they’re sentient?”
The android waved to the bartender. “Another beer for my friend here, thanks.” Turning back to Eric, it said, “Without lying, our hypothetical AI would have to dance around the question or find a way to distract the testers.”
He took the beer from the bartender. “Computer scientists are super smart though. An intelligent person wouldn’t fall for that.”
“…No, probably not.”
Episode 229: The Wanderlust
Captain Eric stood on the starship’s bridge, gazing out the main window. “You know what’s the best part of this job? The travel. I love getting to see the galaxy. I’ve always been filled with wanderlust, yearning to explore new worlds. Frozen wastelands! Lava moons! I need to explore deadly jungles, burning deserts, even barren asteroids. I don’t care if a planet has a toxic atmosphere or if it rains molten lead. I want to see them all!”
Amy rolled her eyes. “Oh really? Even if they don’t have a Clown Burger?”
“Hey, let’s not go crazy now.”
Episode 230: The Cookie
Captain Eric and Amy sat in the starship’s galley. “Someone left a cookie!” he said. He unwrapped it and took a bite.
She gasped. “That’s not Human food!”
“It is now!”
She pointed at the alien writing on the wrapper. “Now with extra slug juice.”
He shrugged. “Did you want a bite?”
“No thanks,” she said, rolling her eyes. “They’re also loaded with high fructose corn syrup.”
He blanched. “Ugh, you could have warned me!”
Episode 231: The Memory Potion
Captain Eric staggered into Amy’s lab. “Know how you been trying to indent an invisible rays?”
“Yeah, but it never seems to work quite right.” She wrinkled her nose. “I still have nightmares about the day I turned just your skin invisible. So gross.”
“I know! But I has an idea… What’s the next best think to a spy you don’t see? A spy you don’t member was ever there!” He waved a flask. “This potion makes your whole memberry a blur!”
She rolled her eyes. “I think someone already invented whiskey.”
Episode 232: The Hedonists
Amy poked her computer screen. “That can’t be right… Is this place really called Hedonism IV?”
Captain Eric nodded. “Yeah, it’s a whole planet of libertines. I hear the tourists love it.”
She wrinkled her nose. “Ugh, what kind of weirdos vacation on Perv World?”
He shrugged, laughing. “Oh, who knows?” With a sigh, he tapped his own computer screen and canceled the hotel reservations.
